31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day FUCKING FINAL
January 31st, 2011
Welp, we made it, folks. As promised, thirty-one entire days of updates. I'm about half insane from all this .xml editing, having updates up at midnight, and daily blurbing, and I plan to spend the next two weeks (read: month) not doing ANY of that shit. So, if any Guest Contributations come in over the course of the next month, understand that I won't exactly be timely about getting them up. I'm burnt out and need a breather. They'll be up as soon as possible. You will, however, continue to see updates from Fat Kakashi and decoy octopus' Let's Play should they come in. Anyway, I promised a big update today, so let's just get this thing goin' so I can go to sleep.
Kicking off the final day of festivities we have your good friend and mine, sunburstbasser
. What with yesterday's review and how all of his other reviews have followed set themes, it should be no surprise that he's closing out his thirty-one days shmup-a-thon with Treasure's super shmuppy sensation, Ikaruga
. If you're thinkin' about playing this game, it don't matter if you're black or white...well, actually it kinda does, but to understand all that, you should check out the review. He was even so hardcore he FLIPPED HIS TV AND TOOK PICTURES...I think! Be sure to try and spot the DVD player UI! There's a big way to go out, right?
Of course it is, and we'd probably be fine going out on that note, but there's more. So much more. So much more that your eyes will be tired from all that skimming back and forth, no thanks to our resident blabbity superstar, Pitchfork
. You nagged, pleaded, and demanded that he do it, and not being one to let down his eager fans, Blabber Pat puts a cap on this month of festivities with his long-awaited in-depth write up of Final Fantasy Tactics
. I don't really even need to say anymore because everyone has already stopped reading the mainpage. Can't wait to see next month's bandwidth! Happy reading!
And with that, our month-long series of non-stop content draws to a close. We laughed, we cried, we bitched and moaned, but ultimately I hope somebody out there found something to enjoy with all this madness. Over 80 new pieces of content were added to the site (86 if my counting isn't off), which was far beyond anything I could have imagined when I decided to do this again. There's no way we could have done it without all our wonderful Guest Contributators out there, so big special thanks go out to sunburstbasser
, Soren Highwind
, Dan Hunt
, Crono Maniac
, Angry Ed
, and Pitchfork
for spending a bit of their precious free time to make this crazy idea crazier than it was ever imagined to be. And of course, you, for being here and reading this. Really, how do
you put up with us?
At any rate, my eyes are bloodshot and fingers about to fall off from all this editing and blurbing, so if you'll excuse me, it's time to close January 2011's mainpage file for the final time and get some rest.
Hope you've enjoyed it!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Thirty - Penultimate Edition
January 30th, 2011
Twenty-four hours from now, I WILL BE FREEEEEEE! That's really all I have to say for an introduction right now! Let's just get to it because WE AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR WAITING AROUND NO MORE! Except for tomorrow's update...you'll have to wait for that, of course. BUT FOR NOW...
Ya know, I still haven't quite been able to stop vomiting since yesterday when I had to stoop to the new low of now having a review or ANYTHING relating to fucking K-ON
on my site. It had to be said though. Regardless, it really got up under my skin like you wouldn't believe, so, I decided to make myself and most likely everyone else feel better with my own Japanese Cartoon review of Casshern Sins
. Hopefully this'll be enough to make up for having to subject you fine motherfuckers to all that. The things we do so you don't have to...
Like reviewing thirty-god-damn-one shmups in one month! That crazy ass sunburstbasser
, I'll tell ya what. What a trooper. Today he's diving into the far from predictable world of production house Treasure with his full review of the arcade/Saturn classic, Radiant Silvergun
. All that hype you've heard about this one over the years...can it POSSIBLY live up to any of it? SBB's got the lowdown all the way downtown, so you better get on over there and find out.
And then there was only one more. A great big one more.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Nine - Musical Edition
January 29th, 2011
Cruisin' on in to the final weekend! Rest (and more importantly Bionic Commando Re-Armed 2
.) are but a few days away, so no time to dilly-dally, no sir. It's time to put this shit in top gear and get it all the hell over with!
Our first contributator of the day, Rhete
(Whom you may remember is putting the finishing touches on a pretty awesome game!) has a bit of a Japanese Cartoon problem. The kinda Japanese Cartoon problem that you really don't ever get over. The kind that makes you write a review of K-ON: The Musical Extravaganza
. Rest assured people, there WILL be music! You'll be rockin' so hard you won't even know how to stop! YOUR COCK MIGHT FALL OFF!
You didn't see it, but I barfed about twenty times trying to get that paragraph out, and I still don't feel better...anyway...
Next today, sunburstbasser
returns (you expected anything else?) and he's showing his true colors today as the mighty RAPID HERO
! Now it all makes sense! How else could one man make it through so many shmups in such a small amount of time without the aid of RAPID FIRE! CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER! Now that your dirty secret is out, your status as SHMUP GUY will be sullied forever! That's how we do here at SMPS.Net! Breakin' them big headlines that the "real" news won't dare bother to touch.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go barf some more.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Eight - Repeat Edition?
January 28th, 2011
I just wanted to use this opportunity to say that I have a Celty keychain and you don't. That makes me a better person than you. Now you're insanely jealous of my Celty keychain and wish you had one of your own, but you don't, because you're not as cool as me. I'd let you stare in awe at my Celty keychain, but I don't think you're worthy. So, you just sit there and be jealous of my Celty keychain.
While you're sitting there green with envy, why don't we rewind time a bit. You guys remember earlier last year when ol Freezepop
did that big ol' list of Mega Man
Robot Masters? Well, as it turns out, he wasn't done! Praise be to Capcom, Frezno has even more Robot Masters to gush about in Part Five of his retrospective
! This is an update to his already existing article, so if you're new and haven't read them yet, you can start on the whole thing by clicking here
for all that delicious Robot Master Goodness.
And did you know? We pushed a button and elected sunburstbasser
to office, and he pushed a button and dropped the bomb. He's trading in yesterday's shmups with this one, and he signs its name with a capital G. G-Darius, that is
. These Nine Inch Nails references doing anything for ya? Eh? Eh? WELL NOBODY LIKES YOU ANYWAY, WHEREAS MANY PEOPLE LIKE NINE INCH NAILS! Many people also like sunburstbasser, just so you know.
Alright you crazy kids, go do something else. Ghost Trick
is callin' the Polly, and she's gonna answer!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Seven - Darius Reign
January 27th, 2011
OHHHH MAN, WE'RE GETTIN' CLOSE NOW! Soon it'll be all over. What are you gonna do for your daily update fix after this is all over? It's probably high-time you started thinking about it, because we are near the end of all this nonsense and you're gonna have to get your fix somewhere else because I'm gonna be laaaaaaaazy for a month or more afterward. But before that, we've got business to take care of!
More specifically, new site contributator Soren Highwind
has some business that involves PUNCHING DUDES RIGHT IN THEIR STUPID FACES! Since I think that may be one of the best businesses ever, I've decided to go ahead and link his review of Urban Reign for PS2
to sorta help fit the mood. Now, GO! Punch doods! It's very satisfying to do so!
NO WAIT! WAIT! Come back for a second! Still need your attention here! Or rather sunburstbasser
needs your attention for a few moments. You see, he went to all that trouble of pouring his heart out and writing a Darius Gaiden review
and you should go ahead and read that too. Good little boys and girls read shmup reviews, you know, especially about Darius games!
Dude, we have Swiss Rolls! You can't even begin to imagine how baller that is!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Six - Relic of Updates
January 26th, 2011
Hey, hey! Welcome to the update that almost didn't happen. Earlier this evening my monitor blew out and it took a while to realize that my TV is capable of VGA input. So, I'm typing this from the comfort of my 42" TV! Believe me, it's not as awesome as it sounds. So, seeing as using the interbutts in this current state is a bit of a pain in the tits, if you send any emails in or try to contact me and I don't get back, just gimme time. Putting in an order for a new monitor tomorrow (If you got any monitor suggestions, I'm all ears ;D) and it'll take a few days to get here. But you're not here to hear about my computer woes!
Instead, why don't you check out this TOTALLY LEAKED TOP-SECRET WE REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GOT OUT PREVIEW OF RHETE'S NEW GAME, Hunters: Relic of Stars
. A game that has been three years in the making now, and it's nearly ready to descend from mount high and melt your gaming eyeballs out of your fool skull with its hotness. You can also stop by the linked forum topic
and ask him questions about it!
And hey, why not just stick with that space theme and find out what our good pal sunburstbasser
is up to? Oh! Well, it appears that he's got another one of them there shmup reviews, and today's happens to be Ray Force
! Finally, a shmup review about a Ray Romano clone army and the one pilot in the galaxy who can stop them!
Finally today, keepin' it all space-real, our good pal Ed
returns for his swan song song review. I killed him you see. He's in my basement. Well, his head is anyway. SHUT UP THE SPELL SAID I NEEDED THE HAIR OF THE HEAD OF ONE ED! AAAAAANYWAY, like I said, he's keeping it space-real today and letting us know all we need to know about 2009's Red Faction: Guerrilla
. If he had a hammer, Ed would hammer in the morning, evening, and all over this land. Also, if he wasn't DEAD. Because I KILLED him!
Anyway, it's time to move it on out to a brand new safe house. SOMEBODY spilled the beans about my little operation here, so off I go! I'll be in YOUR town next! Stay tuned...
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Five - Donkey Man Black
January 25th, 2011
I know it's time to update, but I don't know if I should. You've been kind of an asshole lately and really don't deserve it. You're already as spoiled a little shit as it is and I don't like rewarding bad behaviour, so I guess you're just going to have to do without and think about how you've been acting while everybody else gets to enjoy today's offerings. Let's hope you learn something from this little experience.
For all the good kiddies out there, you'll get to listen to Crono Maniac
yappin' and yappin' away. What's he blabberin' and blabberin' about today, you ask? Well, how about a big heaping helping of Mega Man X3 on SNES
to cure that case of the Tuesday Borings? As it turns out, he's got quite a few opinions on the game and they're all here for all the good kiddies to enjoy!
The good little boys and girls also get to sit and listen to Uncle sunburstbasser
and his tales in THE SPACE with the LASERS and PLANETS and stuff! Your good behaviour has earned you your very own story of Metal Black, a shmup with an obviously Japanese name
! Aren't you happy? Now run along to Uncle sunburstbasser, kids. I hear he's even got candy in his van!
And oh, that Frezno
. If there's anything he loves just as much as wieners, it's the classics. That's why today, all you well-behaved little shits get to have a look at his GameBoy review of Donkey Kong '94
. WHAT? DONKEY KONG? NOT COUNTRY? Of course, you big silly! Go on in there and have a look at what happens when a man is possed by his classics. And wieners.
Alright, now that's it! Come back tomorrow and maybe if you're good I'll let you see those
updates. I'll also be one day closer to freedom from having to write these damn things!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Four - All Downhill!
January 24th, 2011
Well here we are! Cruisin' into the final week of our "Holy jeez remind me to NEVER do this again" 31 Days, 31 Updates marathon of content. I'm about pooped and the mere sight of .xml files is enough to make me gag now, but that just means I'm only upchucking updates JUST FOR YOU!
So, let's just turn it over to our homeboy FreezingInferno
to get this final week started with this review of Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures on SNES
! Licensed games can be murky territory, methinks Indiana Frezno's got the right amount of fortitude and wieners on his side to put a whippin' on this one!
I imagine sunburstbasser
feels about the same as I do about now. Happy this is almost over, but his arcade review of Taito's Gekirindan shmupfest
will be making sure he's not slacking off in these critical final hours. His thumbs, though tired, are the thumbs that shall save the galaxy!
So, let us cling together and enjoy this fine Monday's set of updates, for Tuesday's updates are on the horizon and there's no time for rest. Not just yet.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Three - Sunday Update Sunday
January 23rd, 2011
CAN YOU FEEL THAT ENERGY IN THE AIR? Of course you can't, you fucking liar. And what the fuck did I tell you about answering your monitor? God, you really are as fucking stupid as I thought, aren't you? You've fallen for it every time. You disgust me. Just get the fuck out of here and read these stupid updates. I'm ashamed of you and don't even wanna look at you right now.
Maybe while you're off alone you'll have some time to think about your actions, but I highly doubt it. You'll probably have your head in the clouds again like one of those characters in those Chinese Cartoons you're always talking about. Maybe like those dumb kids in that Highschool of the Dead Japanese Cartoon
you've been reading about lately. WHY ARE THEIR EYES SO BIG?
Of course, if we're gonna talk about you having your head in the clouds, we might as well just say you're walking around all spaced out, just like that sunburstbasser
kid. (Talk about a bad influence.) He was the one that taught you all about that damn Mars Matrix space game
, wasn't he? I don't care what pill he took, it obviously wasn't enough to seal the deal.
Oh, and I don't even have to get started on those two depraved miscreants Fat Kakashi
and decoy octopus
, now do I? No siree, I think the fifth installment of their Let's Play Secret of Mana Again
Let's Play says more than needs to be said. They only tell you to do these stupid things because they know you will. As soon as you plant a brain in that mass of soil you have in your head, maybe one day you'll realize.
Why the hell are you still standing there. Didn't I tell you to get the hell out of here? Come back when you've got some god damn sense about you.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-Two - Back To School
January 22nd, 2011
Welp...You had your chance Konami. It's time you start counting your days, because they are numbered. On a calendar. Because that's how we tell what day it is. The numbers in those little boxes, and Sundays and holidays are always red. Man, calendars are the shit, and we invented them! It's like YouTube and shit! Crazy!
On today's exciting edition of SMPS Update, leading things off is my favorite chimney sweep and eater of pork & beans Bpwner
! Methinks you'd be doing yourself a big ol favor and getting yourself a hot face full of his extensive write-up of Persona 2: Innocent Sin on PSX
! Realm of decency? Never heard of it! Anyway, this nice long write-up of the cult RPG hit will have you busy for most of the day, so get comfy!
And heeeeeey, it's sunburstbasser
again! Betcha can't guess what he's got lined up for you today, can you? Nope? No guesses? Really? Well, now you're not even trying, so I'm not even gonna bother telling you about the Giga Wing review
he cooked up. Now you're free to ponder the meaninglessness of your life never knowing about what he updated with today. Congratulations! You ruined it for everybody!
And guess who's back! Back again! Fat Kakashi
and decoy octopus
are back! Tell some men! And while you're doing that, you be sure to go ahead and let them know that the fourth installment of Let's Play Secret of Mana Again is up and ready for their viewing pleasure
. They'll be happy you did. Maybe a little too happy!
Welp, I can see that you're gonna be busy with all this here content, so I'mma let you go take all that in. Seeya tomorrow! Same sock time, same sock channel!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty-One - One Year Wienerversary
January 21st, 2011
HEY EVERYBODY, IT'S FREZNO'S ONE YEAR WIENERVERSARY! Everyone be sure to wish him a happy Wienerversary today and don't forget the Wienerversary presents! With that, it's time to get this shindig started! Three weeks in and we ain't slowin' down!
It came to my attention yesterday that there were a good number of formatting errors that somehow got by with MaddogExplosive's Illusion of Gaia review/write-up
, so now that I believe everything's fixed, I'm doing the fair thing and linking it again. With the volume of content we've had this month, things are bound to go wrong somewhere. My apologies to Maddog as well as anyone else that may have had problems with it. Should be all gravy now! Ohhh...gravy!
Moving onto today's new content...
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DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY DOCTO WAHWY Shut the fuck up, it's not funny anymore and you're stupid for thinking it is.
Up next is sunburstbasser
doing something entirely different today as he waxes philosophically about the symbiotic relationship shared by the sky and birds and how it affects Mother Nature's aura
. It's really quite an eye-opening piece. One that may leave you questioning your place in the world as well as exactly how many dollar bills have been in your wallet since you first got it. World-altering stuff here, folks.
Finally today, Darkwing Duck
stopped by the ol' SMPS.Net Tower earlier not only to pay off his gambling debts, but also to drop off a written review of FreezingInferno on NES
so I'd only bust one of his kneecaps. A little less pain goes a long way, or so I've heard. Never let it be said that I'm not both understanding and generous. And if it is said, you'd better fucking tell me who said it.
Hey, hey! And that's another update!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twenty - Blade Odyssey
January 20th, 2011
Tick, tock, Konami... Tick, tock...
You guys like Ghosts from SMPS.Net Past, right? Does the name Dan Hunt
ring any bells? Of course not, he's a ghost! A GHOOOOST! Just like Scott and Kjilly! Anyway, it appears that while he was gone, ol' Dan has been on an odyssey of sorts. A Lost Odyssey through the world of JRPGs to be exact
. This is an article providing an interesting look at the current state of JRPGs and his own history with them. What does the JRPG future hold for ol' Danny boy? CLICK THE PINK LINK FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
And now onto our fellow contributator who's not even close to being a ghost, sunburstbasser
. He's back and doing his thing again with a review of Raizing's Brave Blade
. I hear that it is a game that features both bravery and blades. [shmup introability tank: NEAR E!] Go check it out, or else he may sneak into your room at night and do things to your eyelashes that you SERIOUSLY don't want done.
Alright, let's just all go to sleep now and wake up again to do this tomorrow. Right? Right. Glad we've reached an agreement.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Nineteen - Battling Lasers in Caves
January 19th, 2011
Alright, Konami. I played nice. I gave you your chance. You wanna fuckin' fuck with me fuckers? Trust me, it's not a fight you want, because you can not hope to win. I'll leave it at that for now. You have seventy-two (72) hours from the time of this posting (12:00 AM EST, January 19th, 2011) to comply. AND WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY, ON WITH THE NEWS!
Hey, speaking of Konami, and continuing that NES love fest that's sorta been running the show around here for a good part of the month, the ol' Polly's cooked up a Laser Invasion review
. It's another one of those Konami games that just can't quite decide what it wants to be or if it wants to be good at any of it, but not quite as crappy at it as say Bayou Billy
And we're a fresh and minty nineteen days into sunburstbasser's
shmup-a-thon, and boy oh boy I couldn't be happier about that! IT GETS HARD TO WRITE THESE EVERY DAY! Today we're all treated to his thoughts on Raizing's Battle Bakraid
. Its sound is produced by the Yamaha YMZ280B! That's totally neat! I don't know what it means because I'm not super familiar with arcade game hardware, but I sure did make it look like I wrote something new and meaningful here! He won't even notice!
Wrapping up today's pile of content is of course our good pal Freezing "Wiener Man" Inferno
. Today, he's back and giving you another dose of WiiWii to the face (hawhaw!) with his look at the release of Cave Story on WiiWare
. Cave Story
is without a doubt the greatest free game ever, so let's hope they didn't fuck it up too much and then made people pay for it.
Tune in tomorrow, because we'll have a shmup review! And other stuff, probably!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Eighteen - Of Bats and Pigs
January 18th, 2011
Hey, Konami. You better be reading this, because I expect an answer by morning. Are you fucktards being fucktardely fucktarded and releasing Hard Corps: Uprising
as a Microsoft timed exclusive? Do you know how fucktarded that is if you are? If you're not, then by all means carry on, as I wait eagerly for this release, but if you are there's gonna be some kinda hell to pay. YOU HEAR ME? YOU HEAR ME, YOU CHICKENSHIT?
Oh right, updates! We got a couple of those for today, so let's have at it!
Up first, A NEW GUY! HEY, EVERYBODY POINT AND LAUGH AT THE NEW GUY! HE LOOKS FUNNY! Oh god, are you doing that thing where you respond to your fucking PC monitor again and you actually did it? Well good, the drugs are working. So now you should all give a warm welcome to MaddogExplosive
, who just so happens to have the most Contra'ish
name ever, as he's brought us all an amazing piece on the SNES classic Illusion of Gaia to gawp at
. This is a nice, long piece, so get a cup of cocoa and read about one of the best games to ever grace the console.
, you need to calm the hell down over there, I'm getting to you. FLAILING ARMS AND FUNNY FACES DON'T GET YOUR ARTICLES ON THE SITE FASTER! It's a damn thing you brought that review of Armed Police Batrider like I asked
or there would have been some pretty hefty circumstances to endure. NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATRIDERRRRRRRR! I don't know why I ended this paragraph like that! HOORAY!
Tune in tomorrow where FUCK!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Seventeen - Down The Other Side
January 17th, 2011
Well, here we are, starting that long coast down the other side of our 31 Days, 31 Update marathon! Things can only get crazier from here, right? RIGHT? YOU FUCKING ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU A FUCKING QUESTION! QUIT YOUR GOD DAMN CRYING TOO, IT ANNOYS ME! DON'T fucking make me take you out behind the garage again, because I swear to god I'll... OH HEY! Welcome to Update Number 17! Let's get this train a-rollin'!
Man, this may as well have been NES month or some shit. Seems that's all a lot of us are babbling about this month, but everyone loves the NES so it's all gravy right? I mean, you don't really have a problem with this review of Batman: Return of the Joker
, do you? Of course you don't! Nobody does! It's the NES! WE LOEV NES!
Since I picked up the NES slack here today, sunburstbasser's
got dat ass covered when it comes to arcade shooty time fun! Only makes sense then that you'd click this here link to read his review of Mahou Daisakusen
! If I were a bettin' kinda gal, I'd say it's about shooting things in space, but I have
been wrong before. (read: I have never been wrong about anything ever.)
Rounding out today's bounty of updatey goodness is one FreezingInferno
. With his love of wieners renewed, his update today fits together rather thematically as he gives us his thoughts on Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth on the WiiWii
. I never really understood why these titles bear the "ReBirth" name, but that's a gripe for another time. In the meantime, maybe he's got an answer or two for us.
Now get back to your fucking room, and I'd better not hear a fucking peep out of you for the next twelve hours or you're getting the shovel punishment again. DON'T YOU FUCKING ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Sixteen - (over) Halfway Home
January 16th, 2011
SWEET SUCKER PIE BUNNY POOP! WE'RE JUST OVER HALFWAY DONE! Looking back, I'd say the first fifteen days of this crazy thing were jam-packed full of great new content, and now that we're back from the commercial break, it's time to get things started rolling down the other side of the hill!
Instead of wasting time, let's just get things started with yet another Sunday Funday Japanese Cartoon review! I've decided to shut up about them this weekend, and I've turned the wheel over to our good pal Bpwner
! Today, he's got a big fat belly full of YOUR SOUL (Just like Shang Tsung!) in his review of Bones' Soul Eater
. It's exactly like what you'd think it'd be! Pac-Man: The Japanese Cartoon
! I just know you can't wait, so head on over!
And no Sunday Funday would be complete without another one of them there shooty spacey flyin' games from ol' sunburstbasser
, now would it? Today he hits the second part of a journey started yesterday, giving us a look at Raiden Fighters Jet
! For his sake, I hope they didn't stuff this one full of 800 majillion ships to select from. I'm sure he'd go mad if that were the case!
And aw hell, you got nothing better to do today, right? So why not hop on over and have a look at Traitor Magnus' review of Shank
? He's apparently running on a decoy octopus-like schedule as far as updates go now!
And dat be all for today! Tomorrow we'll continue this journey and see just how far this rabbit hole goes, right Zach?
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Fifteen - That's The Title!
January 15th, 2011
...so then she said, "Yeah, fuck the intros, let's just get onto today's update." And I was all, "OKAY!"
Up first today, it should surprise nobody that POLLY MAD AGAIN! Probably need to get that temper in order, especially about the current state of the gaming industry. It's certainly nothing to rupture a blood vessel in the brain for. But that doesn't stop good ol' Polly, who continues for no reason at all to reference herself in the third person as she discusses Achievements, Trophies, and the fucking Toolbags that love them
. Polly's right, you're wrong. Hey! Fucking deal with it!
Speaking of dealing with it, our good buddy Ed
may just have what you need if you've found yourself the victim of a computer virus (read: being a Mac owner). He's fixin' to set all that shit straight with his review of Operation: Inner Space
, a wacky and obscure 90's PC game whose premise alone makes it worth exploring at the very least.
And wrapping up today, sunburstbasser
is back! Bet you were surprised, weren't you? I wasn't expecting him back so soon anyway! Clicking this link right here will take you to his review of Raiden Fighters 2
, a game with way too god damn many ships. Seriously, how'd they store them all in that one itty-bitty cabinet? I mean, my copy of R-Type Final
barely fits in my PS2 cause the disc is so fat, so I'm wondering how they crammed all them ships in there. Maybe ol' sbb's got the answer!
Tune in tomorrow where I'll tell you everything you'll ever need to know about Lucha Libre wrestling and give you a full run-down of the best matches to have ever taken place!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Fourteen - Lackeys Inc.
January 14th, 2011
Yeah, we're 17 or so minutes early tonight. I'm too tired to stay awake any longer, though! Deal with it, asshole!
Ahhhh, it's good to be king. Having all them lackeys to do everything for you when you're at the boiling point with it? Shit's dope, yo! I kid, of course, and send a special thank you to Ether, Bpwner, decoy octopus, and FreezingInferno for stepping in and taking care of blurbin' duties for me for a bit. Writing these things up every day can get a bit taxing, but the little break helped, and I'm back to be NOT LAZY! With that said, let's just get to the content!
Starting things off today, we're shrinking some more of your classics down again, and wouldn't you know it, this time it's a remake of Bionic Commando on GameBoy
. Doesn't that just get you goin'? I mean, who in their right mind doesn't love Bionic Commando
, anyway? Probably some kind of idiot!
Continuing on, who the hell doesn't like sunburstbasser
? Again, probably some kinda idiot. You know, the kind of idiot that can't appreciate arcade shmupey goodness like ESP Ra. De.
like a normal human being would. I tell ya, it just makes me sick when I think of IDIOTS like that. Fucking idiots.
You know who else doesn't suffer IDIOTS? Fat Kakashi
and decoy octopus
! Nope, no siree. Any idiot that dares enter their presence is sure to get a big ol' face full of the third installment of their Let's Play Secret of Mana Again Let's Play
. Wouldn't wanna be on the receiving end of that, I tell ya what. Only and IDIOT would want to be.
AND WE OUT!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Thirteen - WMPS
January 13th, 2011
Well hey there everybody! I'm FreezingInferno and welcome to the first-ever update of Weiners Make People Sexy! We've got some great discussion about ballpark franks for you all, so strap in and...
..what? 31 Days, 31 Updates? Oh, you want me to do the daily update? Oh gosh. Well, let's see what we have in store for you all today.. hand me that list, would you? Don't whine about your top hat, just give it to me.
Ah yes, very good. First we have another one of those shmup writeups that everyone clamors for, by that one guy... Starburst Blaster? WAIT NO. It was sunburstbasser
. Today he is talking about a hectic little bullet blaster called DoDonPachi
. See guy, that could have been your series title: "Bullet Blasters By Sunburstbasser". YOU SEE THAT ALLITERATION? It's totally rad. I am just that cool.
Hey, you guys like Super Mario Bros.? OF COURSE YOU DO. You do because it's a good game and you're cool like me. I am so hip and cool when it comes to Super Mario Bros. that I, Mr. FreezingInferno, wrote a whole review about it... on the Game Boy Color. Strap in and read my look at Super Mario Bros. Deluxe
! I'm sorry, I don't think there was any way to make plugging myself look NOT self-indulgent.
What better way to take the heat off my own self-indulgent pluggy nature by PROMOTING SOME LET'S PLAYERS? I mean, I'm pretty obscure so let's promote some other obscure people.
The first person you should check out is a dude called Samurai Karasu
. He does lots of game things and is generally way funnier than lots of people I have seen.
NEXT! A lady who goes by the Internet moniker of gremlinzrus
. Classy lady who has but a few things done, but still worth checking out!
Last but not least, a fellow named Grayfawks
. He is Australian and totally cool and even though he hasn't done a video in a while you should all watch his backlog and then pester him to make more! THE PLAN CAN'T FAIL!
Alright, I think I had best get out of here, let you read them articles and check out those videos. Besides... I could go for a good ballpark frank right about now.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Twelve - Basement Tapes
January 12th, 2011
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Eleven - Wiener's Inferno
January 11th, 2011
Greetings, worldwide network communications device zombies! Your regularly scheduled frontpage Polly blurb will be preempted this evening by me, your friendly neighborhood Bpwner. Why can't Polly write one herself? Who knows what goes on in Pollyland? Maybe she's riding a unicorn over a rainbow, or riding a rainbow over a unicorn! It is a world that you cannot possibly hope to comprehend!
You can take solace in the fact that sunburstbasser
will be force-feeding you your daily dose of shmupy medicine, as he takes you through Cave's top-down shooter with a funny soundin' name
for those of us who don't speak El Nihongo, Guwange! I'll bet you think you can safely assume that you'll be piloting an overpowered ship that fires waves of destruction that seemingly couldn't possibly originate from said ship! Wrong-o, chucklenuts! Why don't you read it and find out just how wrong you are?
just keeps letting his love for the NES all hang out (seriously, cover that shit up man, there are children present) with his review of StarTropics II, the sequel to everyone's favorite Western-styled adventure
of yo-yo homicide and auditory fruit removal. I know I can't wait to read it, and I won't even have to dip it in water first! Unless I want to destroy my computer.
But wait! If you act now, you'll also get Episode 8 of Frezno's Castlevania II: Simon's Quest LP
! Will he finally brave his way through the villagers' nonsensical clues and end the curse of Dracula once and for all? I can't tell you, it's top secret. *yawn* ... Boy, I sure am sleepy. I think I'll just... rest my eyes for a bit. I hope no one sneaks in here and clicks that link when I'm not looking.
More cool stuff coming your way tomorrow, kids! The January updates haven't even begun!
Well, yeah, of course they've begun. There have already been 11 of them. It's a figure of speech. I don't know. Shut up.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Ten - Spaced Out
January 10th, 2011
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Nine - The Happies!
January 9th, 2011
Awww, another poopy Sunday Poopy Sunday. FROWNY FACE! Luckily for you, we've got just enough new content with that high quality (?) you've come to expect from us today to turn that frowny-frown-frown upside-diddly-down! SMILEY FACE! Let's just get right into it then, shall we? TEE-HEE!
Up first today, Pretty Pretty Polly has an extra special, supery dupery treat just for you! HOORAY! She heard that Japanese Cartoons make you rush right up to your room and put on your SUPER SUNSHINE SMILE FACE! YAY! So, why not click right here to check out her review of Panty & Stocking With Garterbelt
for maximum funtime YAYNESS?
And to help you keep on riding that awesome wave of that of THE HAPPIES, today our funtime neighbor sunburstbasser
is back with another one of his supery splendid satisfying shmup stories! Today, he'll take you to the magical land of Sengeki Striker
to spread joy, happiness, and love throughout all the cosmos! THAT'S JUST SO YIPPIE-YAY!
But that's not all! No, no, no! Certainly not! Here at SMPS.Net, FreezingInferno
is making sure the fun and happy times NEVER end! Today, he brought along his pet sixth installment of his Simon's Quest LP/Review series
for everyone to play with! It's going to be SO MUCH FUN!
Well, golly gee! I sure hope that wasn't too much HAPPY FACE for you to handle, tee-hee! Wouldn't want you to get an achey in your tummy-tum-tum! That'd be so mega bummer SADDY-SAD! We'll be back tomorrow for another great big, sugary sweet, mountain of cotton candy-sized dose of go fuck yourself you pack of fucking morons.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Eight - A Big Fat One
January 8th, 2011
Looks like you've been excercisin' and gettin' yourself into shape since all that fatty fat Holiday food rushing! Clap, clap, clap for you! Time for the SMPS Machine to come along, ruin your New Year's Resolutions, and fatten you up again today, because as luck would have it, the schedule made today's update rather large! Instead of fixing it, we're just gonna roll with it, because I don't like how anything looked anywhere else! SO HERE YOU GO! I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT!
Getting right into things...POLLY MAD! POLLY REALLY MAD! POLLY MAD AT GAMING! POLLY SPECIFICALLY MAD AT NINTENDO! But why on earth would Polly be mad at poor little Nintendo? Well clicking the link is your first step toward figuring out
. Again, this is kinda like that one piece I did back in October about dual-analog control. Ranty, journaley, and probably wrong to some degree, but it's my site and I can be wrong if I want to!
Up next we have a new face joining the ranks of the SMPS.Net Elite (read: YOU ARE (NOT) ELITE!). A feller by the name of Remnant
is joining us today not only to cook your meals and clean your cars, but he's also got quite a bit to say in his review/series retrospective of Halo 3 for XBox 360
. It just keeps goin' round, and round, and round, and round. Cause it's a halo! And halos are circles! That is about as relevant as I can be about Halo
! GOOOOO ME!
No need to look out your window or check downstairs about that sound you just heard, either. It was just sunburstbasser
taking to the heavens to conquer another would-be alien menace. This time he's riding on the back of his trusty Cyvern and lasering shit
for your reading pleasure! There may be collateral damage!
And finally today, Brahm's Mansion ain't got no shit to talk about when it comes to FreezingInferno
. His fifth installment of the Simon's Quest video series
gets into more whippan and Holy Water throwan misadventures as he goes on a mission to find some balls. Eyeballs. What, you think just cause he likes wieners I was going somewhere else with that? WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, YOU SICKO?
NOW GORGE, YOUNG PIGLET!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Seven - Polly's NyQuil Solution
January 7th, 2011
Iiiiiiiiiiiiit's Friday! Who's ready for some Friday? Put your hand down, you fucking idiot. You're sitting there alone, reading text on your monitor, and responding to it like I'll notice or even care! Someone really should punch you, but since they can't, today's half-dazed on NyQuil update will have to suffice. WHY DOES IT TASTE SO GOOD?
Today, I'm concluding the strange themed week I've been running myself based on games featuring "Ranger" in the title (I couldn't think of anything for Wednesday that I had immediate access to :( ). The final game in this stupid little series of reviews is for Capcom's Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers 2 on the 'ol NES
. Furries, rejoice! You are once again my target demographic. And by target, I mean fodder for my late-night shotgun rampages. Kidding, I'm kidding! I love you guys. When you're being beaten by ball bats fitted with barbed wire.
Oh, and speaking of wrapping up a themed series of reviews, sunburstbasser
is wrapping up a bit of a theme of his own today by giving us a look at another one of Konami's popular arcade shmups, Salamander 2
. You guys remember Life Force
, right? You LIKED Life Force
, right? WRONG! THE ANSWER IS "YES!" Idiot. Well, this is just like that...because Life Force
! More of something you love to love!
Capping off today's update, we again have Mr. FreezingInferno
, back yet again for the fourth dose of skeleton smashing and mansion crawling Simon's Quest action
! Today's installment is extra special, because not only does he find his way through the perilous underwater Rover Mansion, but there's another special surprise in there that may make some of the game's detractors (even me) kinda happy to check out sometime. Be sure to watch it all the way. And wieners. Lots of wieners. All the wieners.
This is where my sign-off text goes, but I kinda dozed off typing it and can't remember the joke I was trying to make. Ah well, seeya tomorrow! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
And by "you," I of course mean Capcom and Konami, for they are releasing Bionic Commando ReArmed 2
and Hard Corps: Uprising
(keep your dirty Guest Contributatan hands off) next month respectively, and that news made my day!
And the NyQuil of course.
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Six - Judgement Rendered
January 6th, 2011
Alright, let's get this shindig on the road. The Polly seems to be hitting a case of The Sicks and it can't decide if it wants to be an asshole and just hover in that area of "almost sick, but not quite" or just bowl me over and be done with it. While it spends another three days trying to make up its damn mind, we'll continue serving dem updates!
Up first today on our content-o-tron is a review for the Japanese-exclusive Super Famicom release Rendering Ranger: R2
. I know what you're thinking. Surely, someone wouldn't be silly enough to name a game after their graphics production technique. Huh? What's that? Stunt Race FX?
. Oh...hmm... Well then, I guess you win this round, Evil Magistrate!
And of course, it wouldn't be a day in January of the year 2011 without our good pal, sunburstbasser
. Shmup the fuck up and give him your full attention as you rub your eyeballs all over his arcade write-up of Konami's bizarre Xexex
. Just how many Chuck-E-Cheeze fun ball pits and androgynous antagonists does one shmup need, anyway? THIS MANY!
We continue our adventures into the murky depths once again today with our resident wiener sommelier FreezingInferno
. Today, he's digging deeper into that divisive NES classic, Simon's Quest, in the third installment of his LP/Review video series
. You must equip a blue crystal and kneel on the third block of the second screen for 27 seconds in order to properly view this update.
Hey, hey! That's the end of today!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Five - Hey! It's YOUR Update!
January 5th, 2011
Polly is taking a day off so that you, dear Guest Contributators, may have the day to yourself. You selfish little greedy piggy pig pig pigs! I'm not holdin' any grudges, though! I'm just mainpage blurbin'! Blurbin' all over the place! Blurb, blurb, blurb!
is all up in your grill again today with another one of them there arcade shmup ree-voo/tours! Today's adventures continue in Konami land with a look at a bit of a rarity from Konami, the top-down shooter Trigon
. If you're curious as to whether the magic Konami worked in the side-scrolling world transitions well to the top-down world, here's your chance to find out. We answer ALL the burning questions.
Speaking of burning, we've got ourselves a double-header today from our resident wiener-expert and alien-slayer-in-training, FreezingInferno
. So you just sit there all attentive like.
First up, Frezno takes us to a past that maybe should have been by giving us a look at the Japanese-exclusive Famicom action-platformer Moon Crystal
. We'll never know if Ninja Gaiden would have had a run for its money had this little secret not been kept from American audiences, but Frezno is determined to find out.
Up next, he's diving into a creepy, crawly, eerie mansion in the second installment of his LP/Review series for Castlevania II: Simon's Quest
. What secrets and over-exaggerations await behind the walls of Berkeley Mansion and the townsfolk?
: It's probably wieners!
And rounding out today's dose of content is our good friend Bpwner
, slashing his way onto the front page like a goddamn sword maniac! He's gussied himself up a review of the SNES....SOMETHING, X-Kaliber 2097
. Some may be familiar with his history with this game if you've checked out the forums or his YouPoop Channel
. He's got some closing thoughts on the subject and we're-a-gonna hear 'em all!
And while you're here, I'll be sure to throw a plug out to Bpwnerface's spiffy-diffy blog of funtimes
! There you'll find some fun stuff he's written about Rammstein's discography, HDTVs, and everybody's favorite, APPLE! Be sure to stay tuned cause he just keeps writan, and writan, and writan...
Fear not! There's loads more content on the way as well as some more off-site plugging on the mainpage in the very near future! Lord knows you need something else to look at every now and then to make it through this drivel!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Four - The Sequel
January 4th, 2011
Polly is tired, so here's your goddamn updates!
Since I am oh so original and already played through the original, it struck me that I could save myself from having to think of an extra original piece of content by just following the line from yesterday's update and reviewing Power Rangers: The Movie on SNES
. It's a sequel that may or may not be based on the movie. Couldn't tell ya, as I've never seen it. It sure is an action game, though! That's pretty silly!
. Surely he must realize that with writing up thirty-one different shmup reviews that at some point this month I'm gonna run out of fun ways to introduce him! But he shall not be deterred! Today he follows my example and follows the line to the next logical step after yesterday's update and drops a big fat review for Thunder Cross 2
on your head. Does the sequel fare better than the somewhat lackluster original? He's got all the answers for your puzzled minds.
MAN, SIMON'S QUEST SURE SUCKS, DOESN'T IT? This is a line of thinking that has FreezingInferno
more pissed off and flustered than that time he didn't have access to wieners for a week and a day. It was wieners right? Anyway, he's just begun a brand-new Let's Play/Rebuttal To The Naysayers video series on the subject
. Is everyone just overreacting and it's really a good game? Or is it somewhere in the middle where both sides have valid points. Stay tuned for this series as he gives you the straight dope on what's the what!
There's your goddamn update! I'mma sleep now, cause that's what Pollys do at night!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Three - D-Block Blues
January 3rd, 2011
Huh... these jumpsuits are a bit bigger than I remember, but the food's improved a bit. They seem to have gotten rid of that fucking nosy guard too. Heh. Guess a bucket of scalding hot water in the face will do it every--
OH HEY! HAPPY MONDAY EVERYBODY! First Monday of 2011, third day of our thirty-one day updatestravaganza! No need in making small-talk, right? We might as well just get right to it!
Can't say I've ever been one for spandex, but back in the mid-to-late 90's it seemed children of all ages couldn't get enough of tasting the rainbow when it came to form-fitting bodysuits, modified motorcycle helmets, and low-budget special effects in their entertainment choices. To homage that era, today we're having a look at Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on SNES
! GO GO PRISO--errr--POWER POLLY!
While I'm out there on the frontlines taking care of goofy looking monsters of the week and making sure I have enough cartons of cigarettes stashed away to pay for protection.....(what?), sunburstbasser
is somewhere out in space, flying around all free and crap. THE FUCKING NERVE! While some of us are out there fighting the good fight, we received a transmission that a rogue Thunder Cross arcade review had entered orbit
. Maybe he can get his head out of the stars and take care of that.
Finally today, we say hello to a fella we haven't seen around here in...well almost a year! Good ol Ed-bob
! He was the only one to heed the call that went out mentioning that I was in desperate need of skillz on the court, so he was kind enough to offer an NBA Jam retrospective, as well as a review of the new Wiiwii game
. That Ed! You can always count on him in a pinch when your life depends on passing the ball thing to someone so they can get a home run!
Shit, I gotta go. Lights-out was hours ago and I think they're onto me!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day Two - Really? 29 More? WHYYYYY?
January 2nd, 2011
Sunday blues gotcha down? Maybe you got some post-holiday depression setting in? Well, maybe the good (read: not good) folks here at the ol' SMPS.Net got the cure for what ails you. In all likelihood though, we probably don't! But the show must go on and we're hardly even started!
Christ on a cracker has it really been since July of last year since I last reviewerized a Japanese Cartoon
? Don't answer that, because you don't know! NOBODY READS THIS CRAP! Well anyway, that index sure don't lie, so it's probably a good thing that I took a dive into the VHS archives in the basement and came out with a review of the 1994 OVA series, Dirty Pair Flash
I Know what you're thinking! It really is
about time I reviewed some more hentai around here!
Joining me again today...and a whole hell of a lot this month in fact, is sunburstbasser
, that crazy-ass shmup maniac who loves him some guns and swords. But that last bit is neither here nor there. No, sir! He's here to talk some more shmups in his big grand 31 days celebrating the genre, and today's review of Prehistoric Isle 2, again for the Neo-Geo
is just the way to keep the party-a-rollin'.
But hey, we can't just leave you hanging there! Fat Kakashi
and decoy octopus
just wouldn't want it to be that way. That's why they're here again today with their second installment of Let's Play Secret of Mana Again!
Grab a chair, some cappuccino, and enjoy the finer things in life. Oh, and be sure to watch their video too!
And tomorrow, it's back to work, school, jail (?) for a lot of us, but fear not, we'll be back again with some new content for you to roll your eyes at!
31 Days, 31 Updates 2011: Day One - IT BEGINS...AGAIN!
January 1st, 2011
HAPPY FUCKING NEW GOD DAMN SHIT ASS PISS FUCKY PUSSY NEW GOD DAMN YEAR, you gigantic ass-licking, piss-sucking shit collectors! The god damn holidays are over, as is the time for being nice. Welcome! Welcome to your 2011 installment of Socksmakepeoplesexy.Net. The place that fucking hates you the most. We hope you have a fantastic new year here with us!
But enough happy greetings from me! You're here because you heard that this was thet place where they're kicking off the new year by updating with fresh new content for thirty-one (31) straight days, and lucky for you, you heard right! For the rest of the month, SMPS.Net is content central, featuring updates from all your favorite SMPS.Net contributators (read: ME!) as well as a few new faces in the crowd. It's gonna be a long month, and there's gonna be a lot of things to read so let's put the kaibosh on this stupid intro stuff and just get into it, shall we?
Since last year's festivities got kicked off with a literal blast in the face from a Contra
title, I figured it'd be fitting to follow-up with this year's festivities in the same manner. Since I recently came into possession of a Nintendo WiiWii, I decided I'd have a look at the series' latest entry, Contra ReBirth
. Guns, explosions, and aliens. What better way to start the new year?
Our local shmup enthusiast, sunburstbasser
, found himself agreeing with me, and instead of ONE day of explosions and aliens and shit, he's dishing up THIRTY-GOD-DAMN-ONE
straight days of it. Get used to seeing him folks, he's here all month. Throughout the month, he'll be giving us all reviews and guided tours of thirty-one hand-picked arcade shmups for you to read about. He kicks things off today by flying us through the troubled skies of the Neo-Geo pretty-fest that is Blazing Star
. Remember to keep your heads and hands inside the vehicle at all times.
Finally today, the triumphant return of Fat Kakashi
and decoy octopus
! You may remember that last year they ran their own special Let's Play Feature on the site, and this year they're following that up...
That's Seiken Densetsu 3
for you uneducated swine. *pushes up glasses*
Yes, they'll be back throughout the rest of the month and well after that with their adventures in Mana Land! Great fun for the entire family, so be sure to hop on over there and give episode one a look
! We can only pray for Spiky Tigers.
That's it for today! Tune in tomorrow, when I'll already be sick of writing these mainpage blurbs! There'll probably be new content too. Yeah, I think that's the theme we're going for, anyway!
Also, fuck RSS feeds. I ain't doin' it. Boo-hoo, you can't be lazy fucks!