Contra Force
by Polly



Let me start off by saying that if there's anyone out there reading this that's actually worked in ANY way on this game, PLEASE email me at socksmakepeoplesexy.mailbag@gmail.com. I would LOVE to speak to someone regarding this game, its history, its development, and WHY it was let out the door the way it was. I love the Contra franchise and I seriously wanna know how and why this happened. So, I know it's a complete shot in the dark, but if you worked on Contra Force and can prove it in some way and can give me some insight into this project, I'd certainly love to hear from you.

Onto the review.

Let me just get this out of the way...

FUCK, SHIT, PISS, BITCH, HELL, GOD DAMN, HELL, FUCK, ASS, SHITTING, FUCKBAG, PISSCOCK, COCKFACE, ASSBITCH, MOTHERFUCKING, SHIT FOR FUCK, PISSBAG, COCK LICKING, GRAND ROYAL FUCK, SHIT PISSING COCKFUCK, BLOODY SHITTING, FUCKNUTTING SON OF A FUCKING DICKWHORE SLUT!

I only curse when it's absolutely fucking necessary. No, really. Stop laughing. I do! Sometimes it's really the only way you can express the kind of disdain needed to explain a situation or particular hatred of someone or something.

Sometimes games go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to sucking. Sometimes a game will create a black hole and begin sucking in EVERYTHING that lay in its path. Your time, your money, your love of a franchise, YOUR FRIENDS!

Let me just put it out there...If you're reading this and you had any hand in the creation of ANY PART of this game...kill yourself. Seriously. What the fuck were you people THINKING? THIS IS NOT A CONTRA GAME! Sure, there's jumping and shooting I suppose...BUT YOU EVEN FUCKED UP THE MOST SIMPLE OF CONCEPTS BELONGING TO CONTRA OR ANY OTHER SIMPLE FUCK ACTION GAME!

I want to know HOW...HOW...HOW this fucking piece of shit got to market. How can such an unplayable pile of rat semen POSSIBLY pass by Konami's fucking quality assurance team? HOW DID NINTENDO EVEN ALLOW THIS SHIT TO GET BURNED TO CARTRIDGES? HOW? HOW could ANYONE with ANY DEGREE OF SIGHT have POSSIBLY OK'd this unbelievably shitty excuse for a game? Even fucking EA or UbiSoft would have seen this and went..."God we're whores, but even WE can't release something this bad."

For those still without a clue, I do not like this game. Nobody likes this game. And if they tell you they do, they're fucking liars and they're going straight to the seventh circle of hell when they die. That's the kind of lie God just won't forgive.

I've never looked into it, but I have a suspicion that this wasn't even a Contra game to begin with. Kinda like the Super Mario Bros. 2 scandal. I think this was just some generic, run of the mill shooter that was being released at the end of the NES' days and they figured they'd get more cash out of it by calling it a Contra game.

So really...what happened here? Well let's see...

We got four characters to choose from...all of which are equally [REDACTED]gy. Let's have a look!

Burns
This is Burns. He's the bad boy of the group. He doesn't follow the rules and he doesn't have to. He's fucking Maverik...he gets the job done on his terms doesn't need YOUR approval or anyone else's to know he's good at what he does. Taking it right in the ass from any number of assorted gentlemen.






Smith
Here's Smith. He enjoys candlelit dinners and long walks along a moonlit beach with Burns. He also has a crippling crack addiction which has drained him of all his money and dignity, as he is now forced to suck cock outside the neighborhood Denny's for cash two or three times a week to support his habit. "Rehab is for quitters!"






Iron
KOWABUNGA DUDES, IT'S IRON!!! The surfer [REDACTED] with a heart...and a fucking clown nose! Or is that a shadow? Or a dick? Fuck if I can tell. The graphics are too shitty! Anyway, he's a [REDACTED].








Beans
He's the lone wolf of the group...he don't need no one for nothin so just leave him alone, alright bub? His past is a mystery, though it's probably tragic and in some way ironic. I'm betting it has something to do with the fact that his name is fucking BEANS!!! Just a fucking shot in the dark though. (Psst... [REDACTED].)





It is KINDA neat that there's four people to play as and that they all have their own weapon sets. Hell, it's even kinda cool that even when playing by yourself you can call in another [REDACTED] to back you up and the computer will control the fully-powered [REDACTED]. You can do this as many times as you want making the game a complete breeze. Getting to use your weapons is a major pain in the ass, though. It works on a system not unlike the Gradius games where you have a bar at the bottom and you collect capsules to move a selector along toward whatever it is you want. This wouldn't be SO bad if there were enough capsules to go around to keep all your guys powered up decently. And when you die? You're reset to the crappy starting gun that has a range of MAYBE 6 inches.

The weapons flat out suck. On paper, planting time bombs around a level that explode all over the place SEEMS like it might be a decent idea, but in practice it's really stupid. Especially since the guy using them can't fucking do ANYTHING ELSE TO DEFEND HIMSELF UNTIL THE BOMBS BLOW! Other weapons lack range, are way too fucking slow, or just make no sense at all. Like mines. Yeah...wait around for swarming enemies to walk into mines. Mines that I can only plant one or two of at a time. WHEEEEEEE!!!! Seriously, I can sorta see what they were trying to do here by giving everyone a specialty, but it ultimately falls flat due to some really shitty execution and...

UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY GAMEPLAY!!! I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say that this game is nigh unplayable. Why you ask? Because if you have more than two things on screen at once (including YOUR BULLETS) the game begins to slow to an unbelievable crawl that makes playing either ridiculously easy or frustrating depending on whether it allowed you to kill everyone on screen without any kind of retalliation or if it missed your press of the jump button and landed you right in the hole!

Why don't you be the judge? (11MB - Right Click, Save As, XviD codec required)

Here's a clip from the final stage (11MB - Right Click, Save As, XviD codec required)

Here's the worst bug EVER LEFT IN A GAME (2MB - Right Click, Save As, XviD codec required)

Nope, that's not exaggerated. That's not an emulator fucking up, creative video editing, or anything else. It's the game playing in its native choppy ass, slowed down state and there's never even more than 2-3 people on screen at once. The flicker and discoloration is fucking dreadful! The graphics aren't THAT intensive and there's surely no excessive amounts of animation. It's just plain shitty effort being put into a game. Notice in the 2nd clip how some shit happens that DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!

Nope, this game just isn't any fucking fun it all. It's a disgrace to its own namesake and I hope any and everyone involved with the stupid fucking project... ya know what? Fuck it, I'm done.

Overall:
This game doesn't even get a fucking score. All it gets is....










































ONE BYRON IN A DRESS!







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