The inspiration for this list came about during an AIM chat with a good friend of mine while playing Diablo II. My friend was on the Bridge to Hell and we joked about how if it went out or Diablo pulled it down, the world would be doomed with the heroes unable to reach the end boss.
The discussion then turned to what would happen if video game villains tried mimicking the infamous Evil Overlord List at www.eviloverlord.com
. The following 100 rules resulted, showing everything competent Video Game Evil Overlords need to do to crush the player and reign supreme in their digital realms.
1. Wily Rule # 1-
2. Wily Rule # 2
When designing leaders for my evil hordes (bosses), I will keep in mind obvious flaws and weaknesses in the design so a crafty hero may not exploit them by progressing in a selectively orderly fashion.
2. Wily Rule # 2-
I will not have an encore of my previous bosses as a last line of defense. If my minions were beaten once before they can and probably will be beaten again.
3. Clock Tower Rule-
If certain areas of my fortress prove to be far more difficult for the hero to trek through than others, I will not diversify my surroundings but rather spam one area- i.e. make all of Castlevania one giant clock tower.
4. Bridge Rule # 1-
If the heroes can only progress further into my domain by hitting one switch to make a bridge to cross a bottomless pit, I will place that switch on the other side.
5. RPG Economics Rule # 1-
I will not send forth my evil hordes carrying around the local currency and or items to be taken by the heroes. That way if they are beaten the hero will exhaust his supplies and all markets built for servicing and supplying him will prove unviable and soon perish after the hero.
6. RPG Economics Rule # 2-
Domains under my control will carry a different currency than the rest of the world. This way the hero will be unable to purchase services and supplies when he needs them most.
7. The "Erdrick's Sword" Rule-
7. The "Erdrick's Sword" Rule
If there is only one item in the realm capable of stopping me I will keep it in my possession and make it so it can only be obtained as a "drop" by defeating me.
8. Item Drop rule # 1-
If my lesser minions have megalixirs that can be stolen and dropped off their persons I will carry a few in reserve for my own personal use in case the heroes reach my inner sanctum.
9. Item Drop rule # 2-
If am the guardian of an ultra rare, unique, one of a kind item and heroes line up for hours on end to try and kill me, I will simply give it to the first hero that meets me with no hassle and no fight. It's better if the heroes try hunting each other down to get a hold of it.
10. The Diablo Rule-
In addition, by never carrying anything interesting on my person, people will never go out of their way to try and slay me, usually giving up ahead of time out of tedium and disgust. Who wants to risk their neck for a half dozen arrows and a low level heal potion?
11. The First Law of Forced Scrolling-
A stout wall of masonry stretching across the whole screen is far more effective and less costly than hordes of easily destructible ships.
12. The Second Law of Forced Scrolling-
If I can arrange the flow of the universe to work in terms of forced scrolling I will make it so that the hero must progress further and further away from the domains under my control rather than closer to my inner sanctum.
13. The Teleport Law-
All teleporters in my domain will have an emergency override function to produce one of the two following actions: Frag and drop into bottomless pit.
14. The Belmont Law-
If a family is noted for repeatedly thwarting my efforts for world domination again and again, I will not kidnap younger members of the family to force a confrontation with the leading patriarch. I will slay any I come across right away and do my best to end said line right then and there.
15. The Chump Rule-
If I am the champion of some world's martial arts tournament I will feel comfortable with my position and have no need to prove myself. Therefore there is nothing wrong with me repeatedly spamming my most powerful and unblockable attack.
16. The Cuteness Law # 1-
15. The Chump Rule
I will dress my evil hordes in pastels and pinks. This way any hero trying to thwart me will be too embarrassed to continue and pursue his quest.
17. The Cuteness Law # 2-
I will do my best to encourage all cute and lovable RPG mascots into my evil hordes. Not only does this deny the hero their aid, but it will fry the minds of many tried and true gamers attacking their beloved mascots.
18. Rule of Gender Equity # 1-
I will do my best to encourage more females to take up the call against me. This works because I am a megalomaniacal chauvinist who not only doubts their equality, but also their ability to take such a hardcore, dedicated approach to try and conquer me.
18-B. Lassic and Ridley's Lament on Rule # 18 (Also known as the "What do you think, dear? Oops! Ow! Sorry I'll change that!" rule)-
Don't you believe it!
19. Rule of Gender Equity # 2-
I will NOT kidnap the princess and let the hero come to the rescue. Rather I will kidnap the hero and let her try and repay the favor and see how she fares for a change.
20 The Bio Systems Rule-
20. The Bio Systems Rule
If I can find some way to synthesize my evil hordes through science or magic to wreak havoc on the world, I will not create huge, lumbering beasts, but rather a small, deadly, airborne pathogen with a 99.99% mortality rate and let the heroes fight that.
21. The Postal Rule-
I will make my minions commit horrible, terrible atrocities in their wake and design them to die graphic, gruesome deaths when they are killed. It will sicken the weak of heart and stop parental units from allowing their brats take up arms against me.
22. The Neo Zeed Rule-
If I am holding the heroes beloved captive in the final battle and the hero must fight me and fight to save them at the same time, I will make sure I have a 100% foolproof way of ensuring the beloved's death every time, creating "Bad Endings" and discouraging future efforts to foil my plots.
23. Patsy Rule-
22. The Neo Zeed Rule
If I am capable of stripping the hero of the key items of power after I have tricked him into collecting them for me, I will simply dispose of the hero and collect those items myself.
24. The Backpack Law-
If the hero has limited carry space for items and is forced to progress without being able to go back, I will lay out all key items for his quest at the beginning, then let him doom himself to failure with the drop option.
25. The Inn Rule-
I will simply keep one man with a sharp knife stationed at every inn in every major town rather than send forth hoards of ineffective monsters.
26. Summon Rule-
It is not unsporting to slay a hero while they are busy gawking at an overly long magical spell that requires their full concentration.
27. The First Law of Power Ups-
Under NO circumstances will my minions carry anything resembling extra health, magic, items, or lives that the hero can use. Anyone caught doing so will die at MY hands.
28. The Second Law of Power Ups-
To discourage invaders I will replace all super mushrooms with their hallucinogenic cousins.
29. The WEAPON Principle-
If I am a powerful RPG villain I will have the game's unbeatable superboss as my bodyguard rather than let it roam the world. If the hero can beat it I will at least have ample time to flee during the fight.
30. The Bowser Principle-
30. The Bowser Principle
My Inner Sanctum will be checked for pits, drops, traps, etc., that can be exploited by the hero to ensure my own demise while I am otherwise invincible.
31. The Robotnik Ring Principle-
My Inner Sanctum will also be devoid of anything resembling power ups and life for the hero.
32. The Guard Principle-
If I am invincible save for after I perform one incredibly powerful attack, I will refrain from using it and simply wear down my foe by means of attrition.
33. The Ramirez Rule-
If I can assault the heroes with invincibility and an infinite life bar I will end their lives then and there rather than wait until my conditional immortality has been stripped.
34. The Shinra Rule-
I will never wait to execute heroes lest some freak event or third party free them while they are in prison or at the edge of death.
35. The Landscaping Rule-
31. The Robotnik Ring Principle
My lands will consists of jagged mountains and damage field swamps, making it completely inaccessible by land, airship, or boat.
36. The Random Hordes Law-
I will forego all "Random Encounters" when sending forth my evil minions. Instead of having them wander the countryside attacking errant adventurers I will withdraw them all into my inner sanctum so an experienced starved hero will die after one tediously long, inescapable set of forced encounters.
37. The Law of Doom-
If I am a magical overlord of Hell, I will destroy anything resembling earth military technology in my domain rather than letting it sit around for the hero to pick up later.
38. The Copter Rule-
If the hero insists on progressing on foot into my domain as a one man army, I will have a single copter sitting just beyond the range of his fire dropping bombs on him and trying to pick him off with a sniper rifle.
39. Krelian's Conundrum-
I will present myself as a barely literate, garbled, nonsensical idiot when engaging in dialogue observed by the hero. If I make my master plan look like a wash and keeps his perception of the story full of gaping holes, he will probably give up the game and trying to figure out what's going on in disgust.
40. The Hydlide Symphony Rule-
I will only fill my domains with one small, irritating, three note tune. This will drive the hero insane and force him to flee to preserve his sanity.
41. Gestahl's Lament-
If I am an Emperor moving to claim some godlike power for my own, I will not make a big production about it. I will send my scheming chief lieutenant off to the other side of my empire, let him draw the heroes' attention, then move quietly to claim my rightful omnipotence.
42. Law of OHKs-
If I have the choice between stocking my defense emplacements with mildly annoying robots that can be easily slain and salvaged for parts, or vicious spikes that kill anything they touch in one instant, I will always choose the latter.
43. Paul's Corollary to the Law of OHKs (The "Balanced" Principle)-
43. Paul's Corollary of the Law of OHKs
In the event that I use the aforementioned spikes, I will place them in every conceivable path of the hero, not simply lacing a few walls here and there.
44. Save Point Principle-
If, while constructing my Citadel of Hate, I come across any device, structure, symbol, or energy pulse somehow labeled "Save Point", I will have my men destroy it instead of dismissing it as a harmless oddity.
45. Red Falcon's Failure-
If the hero is using a weapon that seems to carry unlimited ammunition, I will reverse-engineer the technology to create machines with unlimited shields, not send an unending wave of weak and expendable troops in their stead.
46. Aeris's Conditional-
If I am capable of using an attack which can instantly and irreversibly kill a player character, but only during a cutscene, I will go into hiding and ambush the party during said cutscenes alone.
47. The RPG Conditional of the One on One "Chump Law"-
47. The RPG Conditional of the One on One "Chump Law"
If my troops know the spell "Ultima", or any variation thereof, they will use it every chance they get, not as a last resort.
48. The First Law of Traps-
The ceiling that lowers spikes onto the trapped and helpless hero will be rigged to drop in free-fall, not slowly by machine.
49. The First Law of Floor plans-
Instead of using my billions of budget dollars to construct incredibly elaborate and multifarious defensive structures through which the hero must struggle, I will use them to build one bland and lifeless structure hundreds of miles long. More heroes seemed to have been stopped by boredom than by cunning stratagems.
50. Universal Shooter's Premise-
Soldiers in my employ will wear their strongest body armor in their helmets.
51. Principle of Descent (The Zebes Rule)-
51. The Principle of Descent
There will be no failsafe mechanisms allowing for any period of time in which occupants of a structure can escape before a doomed nuclear reactor explodes. Any reactor whose integrity is breached will detonate immediately.
52. First Law of Firearms-
Firearms are good. Heroes carrying firearms are not. Anyone in my kingdom who is not a member of my army and is carrying, transporting, or selling firearms will be executed long before they reach the marketplace.
53. Corollary to First Law of Firearms-
Firearms carried by members of my army will hold exactly one round. Soldiers will carry no extra ammunition. In the event that the hero is able to attack and kill a soldier, he will gain nothing in the way of ammunition by doing so.
54. Samus' Rule-
I will have all tunnels and pathways in my realm the size of a large beach ball bored through, then filled with solid lead.
55. The Hardcore Principle of RPGs-
All character deaths will be permanent.
56. Fisher's Rule-
Passcodes whereby doors sealed with keypads can be opened will be committed to the memory of guards each morning. They will not be e-mailed to each guard's personal palm pilot while he is on shift.
57. The Distribution Follow up to Item Drop Rule # 1-
My lair will have neither infirmaries, nor anywhere else a medical kit could be carelessly left in the open. Any emergency medical supplies will be kept only upon my person, not stashed in every corner of the keep.
58. The Beatrix Principle-
I will not reduce my enemies HP to 1 then walk away. I will finish the job when they are at my mercy.
59. The Kefka Corollary to the Beatrix Principle-
I will follow up immediately after all attacks that reduce my foes to 1 HP.
60. Sephiroth's Principle-
If I am already considered by every citizen of the world to be the greatest warrior who ever lived, capable of besting any foe, I will simply retain that humble status rather than quest for the power of godhood and attract heroes to topple me.
61. Freeman's Rule-
My Citadel of Pain will be built with zero -- repeat, zero -- ventilation shafts.
62. The Ghaleon Principle-
I will let the gamers play as me opposed to the hero. I will be stronger, better equipped, and far cooler than the hero; both making my triumph a surefire thing and proving evil is more fun.
63. The Gradius Rule-
63. The Gradius Rule
I will not send out my hordes in neat little rows to be shot up by someone holding a steady course. I will engage in randomized attacks and patterns and keep them on their toes at the very least.
64. The 64+ Principle-
A lousy camera angle is far more effective than the most lethal of minions.
65. The Pooyan Principle-
In addition I will avoid sending up attackers into patterns where they may be taken all out with one shot, discouraging both power and point players.
66. Longshot Rule (Also known as Radd's Law)-
All ledges, outcrops, notches, and nocks that could conceivably have a grappling hook attached to them will be moved one foot upward.
67. The Pit Principle-
All pits will be rendered uncrossable by the heroes through creative use of height and ledge placement. It goes without saying they are all bottomless.
68. The Law of Armor-
65. The Pooyan Principle
The armor of my soldiers, personal guard will be made of the strange and mysterious substance known among heroes as "locked chest".
69. The Barrel Law-
I will train my defense infantry in the proper placement, targeting, and use of exploding barrels.
70. Jones' Premise (Also known as the Gunblade Paradox)-
No matter how elaborately crafted or wielded, swords are not always superior to a simple Lugar.
71. First Law of Tongues-
All of my guards and technicians will speak the language of the country they are in. Attempts by the American-born hero at eavesdropping or interrogation will be rendered futile.
72. Second Law of Tongues-
All magic will be done by cryptic runes or in a mysterious and vague language, undecipherable and unrecognizable without something called a "manual" which once it disappears with the fullness of time, will render the hero ignorant and powerless.
73. Kombat Corollary to the Second Law of Tongues-
All special moves, powers, weapons, and hidden tricks will be stored in the manual or some easily lost or inaccessible place like on the back of the box.
74. Mecha Sonic Principle-
74. Mecha Sonic Principle
Creating a robot mimicking the powers and skills of the hero will do no good if all it does is follow an easily learned, preset pattern.
75. Waypoint Woes-
All teleporters leading to points with in my domain or making easy and convenient travel for the hero will be destroyed on sight.
76. The Desecration Principle-
The hero's corpse will be looted for all it's unique, rare, and powerful items before he can come back and claim them. Not only will this weaken him, but this will often break his resolve.
77. The First Rule of the Dungeon Crawl-
While the hero is out navigating the dungeons in an effort to defeat me, I will have my hordes sneak out past him and lay waste to the one conveniently located town that gives him the supplies and services he needs to continue.
78. The Dark Force Postulate-
If I am an eldritch evil destined to return every 1,000 years; I will hold off and wait a generation or two. Not only with this convince the fools they defeated me once and for all during the last epic battle a millennium ago, but the chosen one laid down and ordained to defeat me 1,000 later will have died of natural causes by then.
79. The First Principle of Damage-
My minions will not flash or let out a sound when damaged. All hits, be it to their one weak spot or their invincible armor will register with a dull thunk or a metallic ping, convincing the naive heroes they are unable to win.
80. The Second Principle of Damage-
My minions will never turn red as they start to take damage. On second thought, they will turn red at first, then slowly start to change back to normal as they take damage in their weak spot, hopefully convincing the naive heroes they're hitting the wrong spot.
81. The Ghosts and Goldeneye Principle-
I will send my minions to camp out on the power pellets, body armor, and ultra rare, super powerful gun, etc. rather than foolishly chase them through my labyrinthine domain.
82. Second Principle of Save Points-
82. Second Principle of Save Points
If I am unable to destroy these things known as "save points" I will instead reverse engineer them to "delete data" as opposed to "saving data."
83. First Law of Termination with Extreme Prejudice-
Knowledge is power. All givers of "in game tutorials" will be hunted down with extreme prejudice.
84. Second Law of Termination with Extreme Prejudice-
The givers of all things known as "passwords" and "continues" will be hunted down as well.
85. Law of the Forced Choice-
Just as the good guys can force the hero into taking up their quest against me by repeating the answer on a YES/NO question, I too can infinitely repeat the same small bits of dialogue until I can finally force the hero to join with me.
86. The Magus Principle-
If I am forced to join the hero's party I will not give up my abilities and stats.
87. Practical Application of the RPG Waterfall Principle-
All waterfalls will have a bottomless pit placed behind them.
88. The Dark Sol Dilemma-
88. The Dark Sol Dilemma
I will not use my last breath or sacrifice myself to awaken the eldritch evil that was sealed away in ancient times. If it was sealed once before, I am better off fleeing and coming up with a better plan to rule/destroy the world.
89. The Door Principle (Applied from the Bridge Rule # 1)-
All keys for locked doors with in my domain will be hidden on the other side of the door they are supposed to open, not left about waiting for the hero to pick them up.
90. Bridge Rule # 2-
If I am worming my way into the bureaucracy of a kingdom to offer corrupt and self-serving advice, my first act will be to pull down all bridges unifying the land, trapping the hero in a far off corner of the kingdom.
91. Law of Hostages-
Hostages will ALWAYS force the hero to come to the desired location and turn over the mystical item of power. I will however also demand their surrender as well, and will NOT hesitate to kill the hostage if the hero tries to further impede my plans (See the Neo Zeed Principle for details).
92. Law of the Opportune Strike-
92. Law of the Opportune Strike
While cheap and dastardly, it is tactically sound to strike at the hero while he is engaged in dialogue or lost in a flashback.
93. The Time Travel Rule (The Ganon and Lavos Memorial Rule)-
I will make it so that time travel and the abilities and benefits gained there in are not in the exclusive province of the hero. If any time manipulation is to be done, I will make sure I too am able to exploit the benefits of traveling trough time.
94. The Warp Rule-
All warp zones, magic flutes, and other devices enabling a hero to magically progress further into my domain will be hunted down and destroyed. I did not send out advance ranks of my evil hordes so they can be by passed with a few notes on a woodwind.
95. The Ninja Gaiden Level 6-2 Rule-
94. The Warp Rule
Stepping onto narrow ledges over bottomless pits will always trigger hoards of attack birds to knock the hero into the pit.
96. The Opposite Rule # 1 (The Knuckles Rule)-
If I am manipulating the hero's nemesis and rival into serving me I will not betray my new minion until after the hero is defeated. If I am sure I no longer need him I will make sure he is destroyed and not left to his own devices.
97. The Opposite Rule # 2-
If I have the hero's opposite as my second to last guardian, I will make sure that he at least has all the advantages the heroes may have obtained up to that point.
98. The (Not so) Good Sport Rule-
Though it flies in the face of custom, I will not have the hall leading to my inner sanctum full of much needed health and power ups for the heroes.
99. The Epilepsy Rule-
95. The Ninja Gaiden Level 6-2 Rule
If at all possible, I will have the background of my inner sanctum turn into some bizarre, twisting, and psychedelic pattern. If I cannot beat the heroes conventionally, I can at least throw them into a seizure.
100. Final Rule-
If by some inconceivable effort, the heroes are able to confront me in my inner sanctum, I will have a second, third, and surprisingly enough, an unconventional fourth form to deal with them. If all else fails- I will run.
101. The Treasure Rule
And a final 101st rule in tribute to HG 101:
101. The Treasure Rule-
If I must be defeated in the end, I will make it so the only thing that can ultimately stop me is a suicide attack by the heroes. Just because I may be doomed to lose doesn't mean I have to be a good sport about it.