McDonald Land
by Fallout

Oh noes socks and sockettes, Ronald McDonald's magic bag has been stolen! By the Hamburglar no less! If there isn't any hamburgers in there I will be very surprised. Maybe he did beat his addiction. I doubt it. Still the fucker is a klepto and now hes resorting to stealing peoples magic bags. So Ronald's bag is gone, and only the two baddest motherfucking kids on the face of the planet can save them. They are the Bad Dudes before they grew up and got their own game that wasn't all up in the Ronald. Just a quick heads up: the black kids sprite has the biggest fucking flat top in the history of flat tops. Abe Lincolns hat is growing out of the kids head. He has a giant rectangular tumor up there. Are things in McDonaldland that bad that it takes a cancer patient and his white friend (who probably has diabetes from eating all that McDonalds)? What is Mayor McCheese doing with the tax payers money? He should stop blowing it on whores and use it to build a super soldier. Or get the police chief whose name I dont know because Im not THAT fucking old to get off his ass and do something. On to the review.

The sound is the usual beeps that sound similar to musical notes. Also, the music? It sucks. Its really friggin annoying. Now its not quite as bad as say, the Transformers NES bg music. You get a variety of different songs, but they all suck. All of them. Sure they're catchy at first but then you start to question your sanity. All I know is that the vast majority of people who did the audio on the NES had an easy job. And they fucked it up royally.

Graphics are shitty. The main characters look like ass. They're creepy ass lego people and are constantly smiling. Granted its not total shit like Superman for NES was, but its still pretty bad. Theres not a whole lot of detail, even by NES standards. Theres no slowdown, and they do manage to make the graphics meet the speed of the game. Everything in this game moves like it scored some bad crack. They obviously didn't try too hard in this part either.

Gameplay. The part Ive been ready to bitch about since the start. It SUCKS. You start out in front of Ronald's house and he tells you to help him find his magic bag, but hes not going to tell you where Birdie's house is unless you find some fucking puzzle cards. Does that fucker want his bag back or not? It would make more sense to just tell us where Hamburglars house is since it was posted all over those little maps they used to put on the trays. BUT Ronald wants to be a dick and make these badass kids go find some puzzle cards. Which dont look like cards. Theyre giant squares with M on them. Your lives are giant squares with 1 on them. WAY TO BE CREATIVE THERE OCEAN. Its a platform game, so naturally the levels should have platforms. Which they do, but not very many. The levels are usually sparse, with a few platforms here and there and about 3-4 enemies that fucking reappear after you leave that screen. You kill them by picking up blocks and throwing them at them. But your enemies are friendly forest creatures like birds, snails, baby chicks (awwwwwwwwwwwwwSPLAT), flowers, and a douche bag Pirahna thats fast as shit. The levels arent like Super Mario Bros in that all you need to do is get to the end of the level, no, you have to find those goddamn puzzle cards first. And theres more than one KIND of them despite the fact they all look the same. So basically you'll find a card, think its the kind you need, and then find out once you exit the level it isn't. The way you land is strange. You can hit the side of the platform and somehow end up on top. Granted this is actualy a help more than anything else but still its strange. Also, you dont always jump the same height. Sometimes you dont even jump at all. However, the biggest pain in the ass in this game is the friggin arrow blocks. Touching one sends your kid spinning all the way to the start of the level where he slams violently against the back screen and lands on the ground. And has a shit eating grin during the whole thing. What does it take to make these kids unhappy? Seriously. They'd grin through the holocaust. I pity anyone who bought this.


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