Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
by Polly

I guess there's just no escaping it this holiday season. No matter where you look, what sites you browse, or what TV stations you happen to watch you're gonna be visually assaulted with ads for Infinity Ward's recently-released masterwork Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Being that it's inescapable, I figured the ol' SMPS.Net might as well jump on the ol' bandwagon and reveal our thoughts on the game too. Seems like a great way to pull hits anyway, right?

While other sites you visit will gush endlessly about versions of CoD: MW2 on the PC, PS3, and XBOX 360, I'm going to scale it back for those of us who could never let go of the 80's and have a look at one of the smaller versions of this year's record-smashing sales giant. Today, we're gonna have a look at the NES version of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 and see how it stacks up against its behemoth brethren.

Firstly, just like most NES games, there's not much of a story. All of the Oscar-worthy narrative that comes packed with the big-brother versions of the game, and EVERY Call of Duty for that matter, is completely and confusingly absent here. There's a little blurb about it in the instruction manual and that's really about it. I could accept this if games like Ninja Gaiden hadn't already proven that you could tell a well thought-out and emotionally-gripping story with some really nice cinemas between levels. This clearly shows a lack of dedication and effort on Infinity Ward's part and the whole game suffers for it. Without the story in the Campaign Mode, what's really keeping me hooked into the game world? Call of Duty is all about immersion and sadly CoD: MW2's lack of a story really kept me from feeling like I was a real part of the experience.

Infinity Ward wasn't finished, though. In an attempt to further alienate me from the full game-playing experience they really skimped on the visuals here. I mean, look at this shit. This doesn't look like Call of Duty at all! This isn't some fucking Atari 2600 game, it's Call of Duty, but good fucking luck convincing anyone of that.

First of all, it's not even first-person. Why the hell can I see my guy? Not only is this a fuck up graphically, but it's not even the same kind of game anymore! I call bullshit and laziness on Infinity Ward's part AGAIN here, because the fucking Master System's Phantasy Star had first-person dungeons. And don't you fucking tell me that the NES can't do first-person action. HAVE YOU SEEN THE END OF THE FIRST STAGE IN BATTLETOADS? Bullshit again, Infinity Ward. Bull. Fucking. Shit.

So, I guess we just have to deal with the hand we're dealt then, and try to enjoy the game's visuals for what they are. BUT I CAN'T! SORRY! Fucking Call of Duty is not a god damned cartoon. What's with all these bright colors and shit? I'm sorry, but Call of Duty is all about gritty realism and this game has none of it whatsoever. The guy you control has barely two frames of animation and all the enemy soldiers look the same! They don't even hold their guns right! They end up looking like they were hit by a car or some shit, with their limbs kinda flailing every which way.

What the fuck is up with that? They don't even bleed or anything when they die. Call of Duty is a MATURE GAME, YOU IDIOTS! I can't do head shots on people or anything and even when I shoot people in the chest (which is the only place I CAN SHOOT THEM! FUCKING LAME!) they just kinda jump up and disappear.

To its credit, CoD: MW2 did try and win me back a bit. About halfway through the first stage all those lame bright backgrounds disappeared and suddenly it looked like we were in the desert. Now, I'm sure the NES can do way better graphics than this, but it at least shows that Infinity Ward still kind of understands that Call of Duty is dark and gritty and the shift to a rudimentary desert background fit the setting a hell of a lot more than those bright cutesy graphics did.

As for sound, you guessed it, Infinity Ward fucked us again. There's not any voice acting or music or anything. Just little bleepity bloops when you're walking around. HELLO, CALL OF DUTY ISN'T FUCKING PAC-MAN OKAY? The gunfire and vehicle sound effects are entirely unconvincing and even when the game shifts to its much darker setting, none of this is improved and feels very, very phoned-in.

Gameplay-wise, I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you, my darling Infinity Ward. I've already addressed the first-person issue here, so I'd feel it a bit redundant to keep going on about it. We just have to enjoy this game for what it is. BUT AGAIN, WE CAN'T! SO SORRY!

What is this crap? I just keep walking up and shooting guys and that's it? Are you fucking kidding me? There's no mission objectives or anything. It's just mindless killing. CALL OF DUTY ISN'T JUST MINDLESS KILLING, YOU [REDACTED]TARDS! They spice things up in the action here and there by providing you with a lot of cover to hide behind and some vehicles, but it's just not enough to recreate the original and damn-near Heavenly experience that Call of Duty truly is.

For some dumb-ass reason you also die in one hit. You're telling me they couldn't program in my regenerating health system? Ummm, hello dipshits, gamers NEED regenerating health these days! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE A GOOD GAME! Killing the player in one hit is just fucking unfair. That shit went out almost ten years ago with the release of Halo. Another big load of bullshit is that you can only die a certain number of times. After that, the game ends. There's no auto-saving or anything. This doesn't make the game "hardcore" like some of you out there will probably start bitching about. It makes the game hard and that's not fair at all. Call of Duty isn't about being a fucking hard game, it's about being able to play to the end in however many tries I need. I'm almost convinced that when Infinity Ward set out to create this version of the game, "make game ridiculously un-fun" was at the top of their development design documents.

Of course there's always multiplayer, right? WRONG! The only reason people play Call of Duty is for the richly-balanced and intense multiplayer and I'm sad to say this version lacks it almost altogether. On the title screen there is a selection that says "2 Players," but it's not what you think at all. Instead of playing online or co-op with your bros, it's just some [REDACTED] [REDACTED]ed thing where you play until you die and then someone else can play. This is fucking stupid and I don't even know why it was included at all. You don't even get to level up and get new weapons. Fuck, the game only HAS TWO WEAPONS! Your dumb pea-shooter gun and a grenade. Not a flash-bang or anything cool like you always have in Call of Duty, just a crappy little grenade that travels for a little bit and explodes NEVER KILLING ANYONE! This game should have had online or something. The only reason peope even play Call of Duty is to kill other people on XBOX Live. What a fucking waste.

Infinity Ward really fucked us here. I haven't been this fucking pissed off about a game in god knows how long. It's completely unacceptable to think that Infinity Ward can release this garbage and think that we'll just take it because it's got the Call of Duty brand on it. Well, let me tell you something, you Infinity-Dumbshits, we're Call of Duty fans, not some [REDACTED]-ass group of Squaresoft neckbeards who'll buy anything with Final Fantasy slapped on the box. We expect our war games to have some fucking quality -- The high-quality that you'd expect to come with the Call of Duty name. Infinity Ward can fuck off and die in a stew of pig semen and gasoline for all I care. I'm never buying another one of their shitty games again and if you have half a brain in your fucking head, you won't either.

Call of Duty? More like Crock of Dookie: Modern Borefare Poo.

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