Nintendon't Ever Go On Sale
or How Polly Came To Hate Modern Gaming Part 25
by Polly

You know what pisses me off? Dogs. Dogs can go fuck themselves. They're smelly, they're loud, they piss and shit all over the sidewalk. Ya know what? Fuck that. Dog owners piss me off. Dog owners can go fuck themselves. They're smelly, they're loud, they piss and shit all over the sidewalk. Someone really needs to do something about dog owners....before I do....

But, you know what else really pisses me off?


Now, I can sense some of you just gasped there, but it's no doubt that over the years, the big N has been pretty damn good at pissing just about everybody off. Developers in the heyday of their NES stardom, with their ridiculous licensing policies and hard limit on how many games a year they could put out, gamers of just about every age since the N64, with their inability to adapt to modern gaming standards and never being quite able to remove their head from their gigantic pus filled anal cavity. These are things I could go on and on for hours about (and I just might....maybe....probably not...what are we doing again?), but they have nothing to do with what I'm going to discuss today, and that is money. Or, more accurately, how Nintendo seems to think I'm made of it.

My beef today is how Nintendo-released games, first-party titles, never eeeeeeever fucking come down in price.

(Note: Prices on games do tend to fluctuate on a near daily basis. The prices being bitched about in this article are accurate as of the time it was written and do not take account for what $2-10 sale may be going on today or price drops that may have occurred after this article was written in December of 2010.)

Load up your favorite internet browser or have a stroll on down to your local game-buying place or other brick and mortar retailer that deals in interactive digital entertainment software. Hobble on over to the Nintendo aisle and you'll see exactly what I mean.

Does this not strike anyone as a little strange? You're probably asking yourself, "aren't some of those games pretty damn old?" Well, welcome to my world of not understanding Nintendo AT ALL!

Now, I'm not sure about you (I bet you thought this article was about you, didn't you?) but when I'm out cruisin' the mean streets of Pollyville with the top down and ten bitches in the backseat, I'm out looking for great deals on videogames. I'm not a cheap-ass who thinks every title has to be bought at a bargain (that's Rhete). For instance, I buy a lot of games new, but there's a certain expectation one has when a game has been out a year or two for the price to crawl down a bit, or in the case of a really bad seller (Hey there, No More Heroes) to crash through the floor. This is the case almost globally with the gaming market right now. If it's been out for a while, you'll get it at a pretty decent fraction of the day one price.

Nintendo first-party releases? Not so much. In fact, since the release of the DS and Wii, I can't think of a single Nintendo-released first-party title I've seen that wasn't still being sold at full price years later.

Now, back to the cruisin' around and bitches. When one (me) buys a Nintendo console, odds are that they're most definitely interested in some those first-party titles. Who among us (other than you Kjil....are you still alive?) doesn't want a Mario or Zelda game in the ol' library of gaming goodness to pull out and play every now and then? Well, you'd better be prepared to pay for it like it was day one, because if I haven't made it clear enough yet, these damn things never go on sale.

My bitch with this is that when you buy a new console, you want games to play. And if it's a Nintendo console...well you get what I'm aiming at here. If you're buying a console late into its life-cycle, there's gonna be deals everywhere. In fact, you can fuckin' haul in a load of third-party games for under $100 and have a ton of shit to play. That's awesome! You won't have your Mario or Zelda or Smash Bros., but you're still gonna have a good bit of fun. That's not what this little whine-piece is about though!

Let me try and put this into perspective a bit.

When I picked up my PS3 in July of 2009, along with a selection of A-List third-party titles, I was also able to pick up a surprising amount of "Sony-linked exclusive" titles as well. Let me elaborate on that just a bit. "Sony-linked eclusive" titles are games that will never see release outside of the PS3 format because the developers and companies involved in creating them are exclusively linked to Sony, or were at the time of their release and the writing of this article. Both Sony and Microsoft don't really have the first-party power that Nintendo does, but I feel that this is an adequate comparison because to the gaming public it looks and feels the same. And if I'm wrong? Fuck you, it's my column, my opinion, my website. Things that piss me off, facts be damned!

So, on day one when I came home with my PS3, these are the titles that fit that criteria that also entered my home on that day.

Five AAA titles! Holy shit, that's enough to keep any avid gamer busy for a good long while. Again, I'm not even counting the three other third-party games I'd already dug around for online. All five games above were secured BRAND-NEW for under $20 in brick and mortar retail outlets. Some of them hadn't even been out that long, while a couple others were at the normal price drop you get after about a year on the shelves. Killzone 2 in particular had actually been released in February earlier that same year, just so you know. So, about $110'ish counting tax for all those awesome games.

Using that same number, when I ended up with a Wii this past Christmas, I was able to pick up the following games:

(In the interest of full-disclosure, I also lucked into a brand-new factory sealed copy of Metroid Prime Trilogy for $20 about five months prior to owning a Wii, but under normal circumstances, since Nintendo is fucking stupid and the game is out of print, I'd have paid $80-100 for it.)

So, I got two games. That's not bad, because they're fun games, but the point is I wanted, and should have been able to get more. I SURE DO LOVE ENTITLEMENT! Again, I don't think I'm being all that unclear about the point I'm trying to make, though.

Maybe something's wrong with my brain to the point of me not quite understanding, but I really don't get how games like The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and Super Mario Galaxy can still be selling at retail full price. Same for Super Smash Bros. Brawl weighing in at a chunky $50. One of them is fucking four years old, another already has a sequel on the market, and the last...well fuck you, I just don't think it's worth $50. HEY, NINTENDO! YOU'D BE A HELL OF A LOT MORE LIKELY TO SELL ME ON THE SEQUEL IF I COULD GET THE FIRST ONE AT A DECENT DISCOUNT! THERE'S A VERY DISTINCT CHANCE OF ME (OR ANYBODY ELSE) PLAYING IT AND GOING, "HEY, I SURE HAD FUN WITH THAT SUPER MARIO GALAXY GAME! OHHH THERE'S A SECOND ONE!"

It's this way across the board, too. Even their DS games NEVER come down in price. Four years after I bought it, it's nice to know that I can still secure a brand-new copy of New Super Mario Bros. for the full retail price of $35. Super Mario 64 DS? Yep, still $30! Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks? Yep! You guessed it! $35 and $40 respectively both online and at all local stores in my area.

What really pisses me off about this is that some games languish in full-price hell for however long and then just suddenly disappear. Enjoy those after-market mark-ups of 30-50% of the original retail price, sometimes even higher! The aforementioned Metroid Prime Trilogy and the not yet mentioned Super Paper Mario are both....PRIME examples of this DAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU SEE WHAT I DID AND YOU ENJOYED EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER OF IT!

What is going on here? Did they kinda forget that as far back as the SNES (I'm not sure the NES had anything of the sort) that they've almost always re-released games in "Greatest Hits" format? I know I'm not hallucinating here...

Being as far into these consoles' lifecycles as we are, I find it absolutely preposterous that there isn't any such Greatest Hits/Players Choice slate of titles being rolled out. We know the Wii and DS's numbers are fucking ridiculous, and with those sales, surely they've sold a million copies of a game or two out there. That seemed to be the pre-requisite for the SNES and N64 periods anyway. What? Are you gonna tell me that people aren't buying these games and only buying stupid shit like balance boards? Well, it is the Wii, BUT STILL...

I know some of you out there are probably thinking, "Well hey, Polly, you big fat dumbass, why don't you just buy them used? Why don't you use a rental service like GameFly to rent them?" Well, you fucking ass-mouthed shitgoblin, first of all it's very rude to insult people. Secondly, I've yet to purchase used game or rent one that wasn't scratched all to hell and unplayable, and sometimes even COMPLETELY BROKEN. That coupled with the fact that scam artists like GameStop only sell the games for roughly $5-10 less than retail price while giving the sellers of this software a mere pittance. Also, I just plain hate buying used shit. I will admit partial fault in being bull-headed about it, but the sellers, both online and in real life, certainly aren't making buying their banged up and useless pieces of plastic alluring in any fashion whatsoever.

So, what am I gonna do about it? Nintendo has money streaming from every orifice of their bloated body, and since their head is so firmly tucked up into their asshole there's an at least amusing cycle of money blowing in and coming out we can visualize.

Maybe I'm just stupid and living in some bizarro world where selling four year-old games at full price makes total sense. Is there even the slightest possibility that I'm not the crazy one?

Nope, I'm probably stupid.

And poor, lol!

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