by Peaches

There's a lot in this review that, honestly, sounds like I'm making it up or looks like I drew it in MS Paint. But everything in this review is true. Let me start out by saying this: I have now played both Deadly Towers and Robo Demons. Given a choice between the two, I'd play Deadly Towers.

Repeat: This game is worse than Deadly Towers. While DT is too difficult to actually be fun, this game is just out and out impossible.

See that .gif of the title screen? No, I did not make a purposefully crappy .gif just to mock the game. That's actually the opening animation. I'm pretty sure that guy's name was put there to scapegoat him.

Those things that look like wax lips in the screenshot over there? Those are actual enemies in the game. They kill you in one hit.

See that pic that's just a bunch of twisty red lines and ugly orange blobs on a black background? I can hardly believe that's an actual screenshot myself.

You might not be able to see it in the screencaps, but your character looks like a metal chicken. Seriously. And he makes a gargling sound when he dies.

Again, I am not exaggerating. You are a garggling metal chicken who fights wax lips. Let that sink in for awhile.

Each "level" is short. Very short. It's like Color Dreams said "Just make a few scenes of a graveyard and move on." The "boss" battles at the end of the levels are actually much easier than the regular baddies, since the bosses just kind of sit around and shoot at you, and they are easily beaten by you taking a similar strategy.

I guess, once again, that I have to give props to Color Dreams for not being entirely banal. Your weapon is a boomerang, and you have to aim it carefully because it flies in a slow curve instead of a straight line. And before each platformer level, there's a side-scrolling shmup level. But the shmup levels are more like avoid-em-up than shoot-em-up, because your boomerang is a lot like those brightly-colored plastic things you bought from the ice cream man ( i.e. they suck). The rate of fire is painfully slow and the damn thing goes about 1/3 of the screen length before curves over your head and flies behind you. The over-your-head curve makes sure none of the baddies behind you are accidentally hurt. In the platform levels you'll have to jump and throw to hit most things, since enemies like to come at you from all directions except where your 'rang can fly. Forget about ducking or aiming, that's not the Chicken Man way! If fortune smiles upon you and you actually hit something, your boomerang returns to you instantly, instead of taking its sweet time to fly behind you and get a good look at your ass. Your best bet is to sacrifice some health by moving up next to whatever needs killin' and just hammer the throw button. Imagine stabbing that ice cream man who ripped you off as a kid, and you might have something akin to "fun".

You know what? I'm going to give this game 5 out of 5 socks.


What's that you say? Oh, they are INVISIBLE socks. Don't you just feel special, Chicken Man? You get special invisible socks. Try them on, you'll hardly know they are there! Hur hur hur.

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