StarFox Assault
by Polly

Sometimes a game is so bad and disappointing that I just don't want to waste the bulk of a review saying much about it. StarFox Assault was a game that came with a lot of promise from Nintendo, and delivered on NONE of it. It's the game that takes everything you may have loved about StarFox and StarFox 64 and takes a big smelly dump on it. If StarFox Adventures was a slap in the face, then StarFox Assault is the decapitating uppercut relieving one of Nintendo's most loved franchises of the last bit of life it had left.

I'll make this as quick as possible. The game is not fun. Not one bit. You'll spend a majority of the game on foot running around incredibly boring levels destroying a set number of stationary targets called "Hatchers." And that's it! The game is just one big fat excercise in busy work. Even when they decide to throw an Arwing mission at you it's completely devoid of life and feels tacked on for the sake of drawing fans.

I could continue on and on about the shitty camera, controls, and story. How Krystal should be gutted and have her insides stuffed with candy and hung in the middle of town as a pinata so disgruntled fans of the series can show just how much they don't give a flying fuck about her (plus it's a fitting punishment for stealing Peppy's Arwing). But I'm not the type to kick someone when they're down. I'd much rather drop a 2 ton safe on their head while they're down. They don't ever expect that.

So what SHOULD you waste your money on instead of buying a copy of StarFox Assault? Well why not consider the following options:

5. Some good GameBoy Advance Games
How about some good GameBoy Advance games? Even the shitty ones are better than this load of monkey shit. Seriously, just go buy a random GBA game. Even if you don't own a GBA it'll still be more fun!

4. A Hooker
Why not go out and buy a hooker? Really! This might actually be the chance for you to finally lose your virginity because it counts even if you pay for it! And afterward you can play a fun game. You can balance the amount of money you paid for her against the number of sexually transmitted diseases you just contacted and you will STILL be having more fun than you would playing StarFox Assault.

3. A Gun
Who said you can't have fun with guns? What's their fucking problem? Playing StarFox Assault is enough to make you want to buy a gun anyway, so why bother with the unnecessary frustration and just get one in the first place? Hell, just buy it and shoot yourself in the leg or something for even considering buying this game. If you happen to have some extra cash you could also buy a hooker and shoot her. The jail time you get for it, will STILL be more fun than playing StarFox Assault.

2. Resident Evil 4
If you have a GameCube why even shit with anything else besides Resident Evil 4? It's fucking great! I hate Resident Evil for the most part and thought this game kicked all kinds of ass and you will too. Getting your head lopped off by a crazy laughing fucker with a chainsaw is infinitely better than anything you can do in StarFox Assault. Playing Resident Evil 4 will get you laid.

1. The Fukuoku Massage Glove
It might go without saying, but masturbating is a lot more fun than StarFox Assault, and it can be even more fun with this wonderful piece of self-gratification equipment. If you're a guy just pull it out and beat it against some furniature or something, but if you're a girl this is the fucking way to go. The hour or so you'll spend cumming with this thing beats the 4-6 hours you'll waste trying to play and have fun with this game.

So, seriosuly. Just take my word for it. Anything listed there above, and probably any dumb fuck idea you could think of on your own will probably be infinitely more fun than StarFox Assault. This is what looks to be the final nail in StarFox's coffin which is sad considering that the series got such a wonderful start with StarFox and StarFox 64. Just to show you how much Nintendo doesn't give a shit about the franchise anymore, they let Namco make the game. MASTERS of the fucking flight sim with games like Ace Combat 5! How they could fuck up this bad and it not be intentional is just bewildering.

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