Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
by The Hutch

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Who knew they would become such icons? Well, with an incredibly memorable and well written cast, an original premise, and a female who doesn't want to bone the heroes (Or maybe she does Damn April) the turtles became a phenomenon. Now, I'm not as big a fan as them as most people simply because it wasn't my time era, but I grew up in the times of the dwindling popularity of 80's culture. My Nintendo was my greatest friend, Mario my hero, and He-Man my big, gay spirit guide.

Now, back to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I found the game buried at the bottom of the box of NES cartridges one day, hidden from wise view. However, after having pissed on the MC Kids game, I was looking for something fresh. Oh, what a mistake that was. All I remember is being very angry that I had to use Donatello, my LEAST favourite Turtle, simply because I was restricted to using his Bo staff which was the only weapon that didn't suck balls. Literally, Raphael's Sai jumped from the screen and performed felatio on me. It was a traumatizing experience for a three-year old.

After sifting once more through the game box, I came across TMNT II: The Arcade Game. I was sceptical at first. However, much to my delight, it was nothing like its predecessor. In fact, what I got was arguably one of the greatest games for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Now, at the time, I didn't actually understand most of what was going on, but as I grew older and more aware of reality I kept coming back to the game.

The game itself is a side-scrolling brawler. And if you ask me, there aren't enough of these types of games out there. Especially now-a-days. You can choose between any of the four turtles to play as, however, unlike the first one, you're stuck with that decision for the rest of the game. But, also unlike the first game, each weapon has the same range, so just choose your favourite and get ready for the experience of a fucking life time.

Where to start? Well, what you'll notice first of all is the size of the sprites. They're fucking huge. Not only that, but they actually look pretty damn good too. The backgrounds are nothing too special, but when you're battling dozens upon dozens of footsoldiers, while also dodging giant balls, exploding snowmen, and piranha robots, you tend not to spend much time focusing on what's behind you.

The game has quite a high level of difficulty. However, you also get two lives and a reasonable amount of health, on top of three stage continues, so it isn't too frustrating really. When you do lose, however, you are greeted with the single trippiest game over screen ever created. What I like best about the gameplay is that there is no "sacrifice" attack, where you sacrifice health for a super powered attack, much like many other brawlers. There is a jumping attack however that kills most enemies with one hit. What annoys me, however, is how many times you will get grabbed from behind, and that it does damage. A considerable amount. How the fuck can a footsoldier reach all the way around the fucking shell? Also, it can be annoying how every time you continue you have to go back to the beginning of the stage. There's no checkpoints, so if you get the shit kicked out of you by the boss, it's back to the start for you.

The gameplay is very simple, and you'll find yourself using jump kicks most often simply because there's less of a chance you'll get hit. The hit boxes are incredibly precise, and most enemies take only two hits. And when you defeat a footsoldier, they don't just fade away, or run away in tears. No, they fucking explode. EXPLODE!

You just got your shit fucked so hard by a Goddamned turtle you blew the fuck up!

I notice that with each review I send to Ms. Polly, I dramatically increase the number of expletives I use. Fuck.

The bosses are smart, and will actually attack you, instead of just swatting at the air angrily like a [REDACTED] in a swamp. And the closer they are to death, they slowly begin to, well, vibrate different colours. I'm starting to think that this game was strategically designed to induce seizures. The fuckin' epileptic's nightmare.

The music is great, as is the sound. Just everything is well done, and an experience that the first should have been. I know I really shouldn't be comparing the two games, since there actually is no relation between the two of them. But because the console release of this game WAS labelled TMNT II, I just have to.

Overall, this is one of my favourite games for the NES, and one of the better games to come out of it. And it makes sense, seeing as how it's a Konami game. That's right, Konami made it.

I don't know what else to say. There's a real nifty two player mode that lets you play with a friend. The fact that you can't string together combos with your weapons, however, is kind of ridiculous. Even if it just consisted of continually pressing the A-Button, it'd be better than one attack at a time. Playing by yourself can also become a bit repetitive, but I don't think I ever got bored of it. If you haven't played this game, I suggest you find a [ACQUIRE IT LEGALLY] and do so quickly.


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