Kiddy Grade
by Polly





WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS NO SPOILERS!

Dearest Internet Japanese Cartoon Reviewers,

Go fuck a pig. Go fuck a pig and contract Pig AIDS. Feel the shame of having to come home to your significant other and family and having to tell them you fucked a pig and got Pig AIDS. Fall into a deep and nigh-suicidal depression knowing that the entire world is mocking you for having Pig AIDS and that nobody will ever find a cure because they're smart enough to know that if you fucked a pig then you deserve Pig AIDS. Suffer for the rest of your miserable Pig AIDS-infested lives with Pig AIDS, living every day in fear knowing that with each passing hour, Pig AIDS is eating away at your immune systems and destroying your vital organs. And while you're on your Pig AIDS death bed, dying of Pig AIDS, allow me to visit and bring flowers. But it won't be flowers in my hands, it'll be one of those cute little grill lighting blowtorches I got for $25.00 at the hardware store on my way home from not having Pig AIDS. And with my cute little blowtorch I will commence burning patches of your skin, moving the torch slowly up and down each and every region. Everybody will come rushing to your room, because they'll think what they're smelling is bacon. Delicious, delicious bacon. But they won't find bacon, will they? No, they won't. They'll see a sick little piggy fucker with Pig AIDS lying on their deathbed being tortured slowly by a psychopath with a blowtorch, and they won't do anything about it. Do you wanna know why? Because you're a pig fucker dying of Pig AIDS and nobody loves a pig fucker who gives Kiddy Grade any kind of positive review.

Sincerely,
Polly


Dear Kiddy Grade Fans,

What is your fucking problem and what the fuck are you thinking? Are you out of your god damn minds? Just liking Kiddy Grade is enough to tell me you have absolute shit taste, but what the fuck HAPPENED to your brain to corrupt your taste so much that you think tripe like this could be passable as entertainment for any sustained period of time? I'm honestly beginning to think that around 90% of Kiddy Grade's fanbase is blind and deaf and the other 10% is just fuck-all retarded. Inquiring minds want to know.

Your Best Pal,
Polly


I. Just. Don't. GET IT!

Now, I know it's the cool and hip thing to rebel against popular tastes for the sake of being different, but honest to god that's not what this is. While I will admit that in the past I've railed against popular names like Halo, Grand Theft Auto, and Electronic Arts as a whole, I can acknowledge that each of those things have redeeming values and I understand why people may genuinely enjoy and like them.

Kiddy Grade is different. Kiddy Grade is fucking Pig AIDS. There are so few redeeming qualities to it that I'm honestly dumbfounded at how people can fucking stand this shit, let alone shout its praises on the internet for the world to see. Isn't that embarrassing? I'm not even going to pretend this is a review or anything I bothered researching after the show was over. It's a wall of focused bile, venom, and hatred directed at one of the worst Japanese Cartoons I've seen in recent history. Some details will probably be left out and maybe even a few of them will be wrong, and fuck it with trying to be organized about it, I just don't care! The way I look at it, this show wasn't trying hard enough, so I don't feel I should have to either.

At first I thought, "Hey, maybe it's just me," and soldiered on through each DVD volume with that naive hope of "it'll get better." After all, that's what I've always been told about this series. A bit of a slow start, but it picks up about halfway through. It picks up alright. In terms of utter fucking stupidity and nonsense, the series climbs the tracks ever so slowly for the first nine or ten episodes and peaks at the height of mediocrity, reveling in it like a pig in a dirty shitty wallow. The one you got Pig AIDS from. As the wheels finally touch the second half of the tracks it's a sharp 90 degree downhill ride at 1842mph into the depths of insufferable brain-damaging boredom and stupidity, crashing through the earth's surface, and finally barrelling into the jaws of that special place in Hell reserved for people who played and enjoyed Contra Force, the creators of Eureka Seven, and the people who have been writing and allowing The Simpsons to continue to air for the last 18 years.

Kiddy Grade takes place in the distant future where man has managed to colonize umpteen dozen planets. No really, there are so many weird ass and oddly named planets in this show that it's almost a chore to keep up with it all. And if you think the planets' names are weird, wait till you get a load of the character names and hearing some of the original Japanese voice actors trying to say them. I'll never get tired of hearing them try to pull of "Warblewind..." Anyway, the main driving force behind the plot is the misadventures of a government run global police force known as the GoTT (Galactic Organization of Trade and Tariffs) that handles all the dirty work that needs cleaning up around the galaxy. After about too-god-damn-many filler episodes of really boring space delivery jobs and breaking up of smuggling rings and what have you, Kiddy Grade TRIES to put together an ongoing plot involving betrayal, dark pasts, and ultimately the fate of the world, but it all amounts to little more than wasted time and some flashy pictures.

Not that they're all that flashy, mind you. About the only real thing that stands out about Kiddy Grade are its character designs. They're of that wild 'n crazy Sci-Fi variety and they had quite a bit of fun with some of the characters' costumes in that regard. They don't always look great or anything, but they sure are...something! At first it may seem like Kiddy Grade is doing some stuff right with its artwork and animation, especially with battle animations for Éclair's lipstick whip-fu and some decent special effects for Lumiére's computer hacking powers. About halfway through the show though, the artists just kinda gave up likely due to budgetary problems and the whole presentation turns into lolpoop™. Though never spectacular, the action scenes toward the beginning of the show are really the only highlight to look forward to. But, as mentioned, it goes downhill fast and soon it's just a bunch of characters either flying into one another with explosion effects or inexplicably firing invisible bursts of energy from their palms. Hell, even though the story's stupid as all fuck, they could have at least given it some nicely done action scenes as a distraction to make the brain hurting stop.

While we're on presentation, I'll also mention that Kiddy Grade may have one of the worst opening themes ever. I mean, fuck, get a load of all that mangled to hell Engrish that manages to make even less sense than normal, or how about the annoyingly generic J-Pop dance track! Can you make it through the whole thing? Do you EVEN WANT TO?




"Planet keeping twinkle?" What the holy fuck does that even mean? "Give me the holy land?" No, Kiddy Grade, I'm most definitely NOT giving you the holy land. You're just gonna shit all over it like you always do, so go lay down somewhere.

Anyway, I guess this stupid show has some kinda stupid background music or something, I don't even fucking remember. I'm drinking chocolate milk right now, just so everybody knows. When I went to the store earlier today I bought some bread, lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, and a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Those things are really fucking hot, if you didn't know.

If it's characters you want, then holy-gosh-darn-giggly-golly-gee, Kiddy Grade has a whole truckload of them. It's a really good example of quantity over quality, I think.

Our stars are Éclair and her partner Lumiére. They work for GoTT as both receptionists and members of a shadow unit of specialized officers that run around taking care of the universe's problems on the sly. Éclair is your run-of-the-mill hot body with a catty attitude, combat muscle, and a childish nature, while Lumiére is the "straight man" of the team, often chiding her partner for her rambunctious behavior. She lacks the muscle of Éclair, so usually ends up handling her share of mission work by using all sorts of computer hackery-dackery. It should come as no surprise but they both have OMG TRAGIC PASTS. Both have lived for nearly 250 years and died multiple times, but have always been brought back to life with new bodies to continue their GoTT work. Also, that's a big series spoiler. But you don't care, because there's no way you're watching this shit, and SON OF A BITCH these Cheetos are seriously fucking hot. Both characters end up changing quite a bit over the course of the show in many ways. Their stories could have had some emotional impact had the show's overall lack of a coherent story not gotten in the way. In the end, their character development instead feels incredibly forced, like those long, hard shits decoy's always talking about. Éclair and Lumiére are both just there because the show had to have a couple main characters. Maybe if they'd landed in a different show, they wouldn't seem so by-the-numbers.

And while I'm on the subject, what the FUCK is up with Lumiére's outfit? She's supposed to be the pedo-bait character of the show, but I honestly can't see how she'd be in any way attractive to those people. That godawful blue leotard thing and those disgusting BROOOOOWN leggings make the whole outfit look like it's comprised of shit she found in a trashcan somewhere and had to cut it up a bit to make it work. I will admit her second outfit is much more suitable, though. Éclair's outfit fares a little better, but even it has those retardedly huge shoulder pads that couldn't be any fun trying to get through smaller doorways. Going sideways probably isn't an option either since she's got dem ginormous tiddies.

If side characters are more your thing well then there's plenty of those too. Too many, in fact. Almost like every fucking Sunrise-produced show in existence, Kiddy Grade (Which was produced by GONZO) has a large supporting cast of characters who will appear and disappear as the story needs them. Usually, it's just to help hax a solution to a very difficult problem that the writers couldn't find a non-cop-out way of rectifying. Hehe, rectal...

I'd talk more in-depth about the supporting cast, but I honestly just fucking hated them all. Only a couple of them end up playing any kind of significant role in the "story" anyway.



It's Alv and Dvergr by the way! Alv being the butchy one on the right and Dvergr being the pink fluffy one. They end up being a couple of the big bad guys. Alv goes on a crazy power-trip because she's eeeeeeeemmmmoooo about having been a puppet through all the lives she's lived working for GoTT. Also, Dvergr is her mom, despite being the smaller, younger looking one. But it's cool. They get to die together on a spaceship that plunges into the sun. Oopsie! Spoiler-alert again!



Sinistra and Dextera aren't high-class ES Members. They're [REDACTED]s. True story.

As for its pacing and story, nearly any review of this show you find will tell you that it's basically split into three large story arcs. For the sake of this write up, I will refer to them below as boring bleh fucky-fuck, stupid pickle fart middle part (which has a fantastic ring to it if I do say so myself), and ass gravy and biscuits finale.

The boring bleh fucky-fuck portion of the show makes up the first eight episodes. These are all really bad one-off stories used to introduce all of the main players. At first it has a very 90's feel to it and during the opening episode you might not think it's that bad. But as these episodes drag on their stories only get dumber and dumber. Investigating illegal use of cybernetic implants for underground fight clubs, boring and predictable prisoner escort missions, and some dumb racing episode where I just played with my phone instead of watching are just a few of the awesomely sub-mediocre treats you're in for. Throughout all of this all I could wonder is why the fuck were they wasting so much time on stories that were so generic and side characters who will never appear again? None of these stories or the characters involved in them are interesting at all. This series introduction outstays its welcome by a good six episodes and it don't fuckin' care. You can suck its dick.

Next comes the stupid pickle fart middle part. This is where the creators of the show changed their minds about 150 times as to what kind of show Kiddy Grade should be. Is it Space Adventures of the Space Adventurers now or is it an emotional mind-bender? Is it political intrigue that's the driving force or is it an action series? It doesn't make any of these transitions smoothly. One episode wants to be one thing and one or two episodes later it's changed its shit up again. It gets so confusing trying to keep track of who's on whose side or where the fuck the characters are in the galaxy that you really almost have to look up episode guides to figure shit out. The crazy thing is, it almost kinda does a couple of the things it wants to do right here. It had a great many opportunities to pull a couple fast plot twists that might have made the series interesting, but decides to go and fuck it up with ridiculously simple solutions and plot twists you see coming 29 miles away.

Finally, the ass gravy and biscuits finale is just a cluster-fuck. If you thought the show was stupid up to this point, then this is where it goes all out to exceed all of your expectations. More dumb plot twists and completely unintelligible characer reveals here, with each one being dumber than the last. This is also the point where the main "bad guy" (if you can really even call him that) hits the spotlight, does a whole bunch of fuck-nothing, and has incredibly retarded ties to Éclair. Turns out, he was raised by her in one of her former lives even though she doesn't quite remember.... Guess it's a good thing he dies too after finding out, right? WOOPS! 'Nother spoiler there! MY BAD! Teehee! That revelation alone was enough to make me facepalm through my fucking DVD player and cost me 16 stitches. The series comes to as logical of a conclusion as you could expect it to, I guess. The best part of the ending is simply the fact that the show's fucking over. Seriously, best fucking ending ever just because I don't have to watch it anymore.

Kiddy Grade is just fucking ridiculous. Not even the kind of ridiculous where you want to keep watching to see how stupid it'll get like you would with Grenadier or Code Geass R2. It's more of a full-on "why the fuck do people like this shit" ridiculous. Honestly, what on earth possessed me to finish this garbage? Every upcoming episode felt like impending doom. I dreaded each and every one. I kept hoping that maybe sometime during the time I was watching this that something horrible would happen to one of the discs just so I wouldn't have to continue.

When I was re-watching Mai-HiME last year for review, the sixth disc in the collection BROKE AS I WAS TAKING IT OFF THE SPINDLE? WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO KIDDY FUCK GRADE? I LEFT THE DAMN THINGS OUT HOPING MY FUCKING CAT WOULD PLAY WITH THEM AND EVEN IT DIDN'T WANT ANYWHERE NEAR THIS SHIT!

It took nearly two months to finish the damn thing watching one DVD at a time. How people can call this anything more than below average is beyond me, and that's being generous. I know there's a whole fuckload of stupid out there in Japanese Cartoon land. A whole fucking pile of it where Kiddy Grade and Eureka Seven snuggle up together every night to keep warm. Let's just fucking pray that they never find their genitals and get curious. The only thing that could produce would be something stupider than either show's hurp-durp-deedly-doo fanbase of idiots who probably also think K-on is fucking pure genius.

I Got Your Grade Right Here:
14 BOWLS OF SHIT!







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