Fallout's Top 10 Worst Games of All-Time (2005 Version)
by Fallout
10 - The Smurfs
That's right. The Smurfs. Why, oh why, would anyone play a game based off The Smurfs? Because the Snorks don't have a game you silly. It takes a man to play The Smurfs, a big strong man who is bursting with fertility and testosterone and isn't worried about what other people think. Yep, that's not me. But on to why the Smurfs suck. First off, it sucks because it's a licensed game based off a shitty cartoon show. I was 4 when I watched it, and even then I thought it was [REDACTED]ed and I didn't even know what the word meant. This game sucks because it is near impossible. I couldn't get past the first few levels, so don't ask me about the story I can't smurfing tell you. From what I can tell, you start out in the Smurf Village and have to get to the other side for something. And it's amazing those little bastards managed to survive each episode, especially considering how hazardous their village is. Falling nuts, mud puddles, Smurfs throwing buckets of smurf out their smurfing windows, all of these are enough to kick your Smurfs ass. These provide you with many reasons to shout things like "WHAT THE FUCK" and "WHAT THE SMURF" and "WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS" and "Fuck this where did Halo go?" The main problem is that this game takes too many repetitions and game overs just to memorize one level. Even save states aren't any help. You have to memorize each house that has a smurf that throws shit at you, then which part of the level has falling nuts, and where the puddles are and when to jump. Jumping puddles is fucking ridiculous. If you are one pixel off from the 2 pixel area, you aren't going to make it. Instead, your Smurf is going to land in the puddle, slip and fall on his ass shattering his spine, while his soggy feet get gangrene which spreads to the rest of his body rapidly because of his weakened immune system leading to his death surrounded by Smurf shit. I don't know anyone who has beaten this game, shit; I don't know anyone who has even played it.
Warning: Playing this game causes testicular shrinkage and the urge to replace verbs, nouns, adjectives, pronouns, and other word forms.
9 - Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
This game came out around the same time as the movie, but had nothing to do with it. Nothing besides basic plot based off of the books is shared. While not all the actors in the movie were of the best quality ( :cough: Boromir :cough: ), the voice actors used in the game are far worse. Their emotion isn't always correct for the situation, and sometimes they don't even have any. Anytime a character talks they do the same pose: they talk and then they make a gesture with their left hand. Every. Time. They. Talk. You get speech, hand gesture, speech, switch to next person, speech, gesture, speech, rinse, lather, repeat. It's fucking annoying; every character that talks does that, and is just one example of lazy programmers. The entire game can be summed up with one word: TEDIOUS. You just wander around collecting stuff until you get a cut scene that does all the work for you. The entire game is just you wandering around looking for some random item that is somehow supposed to help in your journey. They also don't enjoy making it easy to figure out where you're going, you get lost very frequently throughout the game. The Barrow Downs are the worst, its one big canyon area where you get attacked by ghosts that you can't kill and you have to go from down to down looking for the right one, and the place is huge and you just wander around everywhere. As Aragorn they have you wandering around a village looking for fucking watermelons. That's right, watermelons, because apparently the secret to defeating Sauron lies in a fruit. You spend the game either collecting or looking for a switch, or in the beginning you have to pretend your Solid Snake and sneak past the Ringwraiths, which was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easy. You throw rocks at them and they wander off, and then just wander around until you're clear. All in all, the game takes 6 hours. And to think I paid 40 bucks for it too, but will I get a refund? NOPE. So I traded it in and got some other game that's at least fun and last longer than a few hours.
8 - Fusion Frenzy
What I like to call a ghetto version of Mario Party, Fusion Frenzy features an almost entirely black cast (save one white 8 year old kid) who go and play boring mini games. My friends loved this game, and anytime I was over at his house he'd always pretend we were going to play halo then would start up the demo that was on the disc and remind me why I hate humanity. This game is bad enough for me not to want to play Halo just because I run the risk of playing this. The mini games you play are nowhere near fun, they're just boring repetitive with annoying announcer voice man shouting random shit that's nowhere near useful, and is down-right [REDACTED]ed. The AI in the game is sporadic, and randomly switches between borderline [REDACTED]ed and Deep Blue every other game. Winning provide no satisfaction, you just feel extremely bored and wonder what the fuck you were thinking.
7 - Spelunker
Spelunker is an old NES game where you go spelunking as a spelunker in a mine shaft for spelunkers. While I do love the title, I hate the game. Your spelunker dies for the most random reasons. I have yet to figure out what the pattern is, since I die if I walk down a ramp, walk up a ramp, jump, climb a ladder, climb down a ladder, and walk forwards/backwards/etc. The fact that I made it anywhere in that game is amazing, I honestly don't know how I did it. There really isn't much of a story to it, mainly because it's a shitty game and doesn't deserve a story. The damn Smurf had a longer lifespan than this little fucker.
6 - Call of Duty: Finest Hour
I am a fan of FPS and WWII so when a game combines them both together I have to play it. Medal of Honor is one of my favorite series despite the last 2 disappointments they've given me, so when I saw Call of Duty: Finest Hour and after hearing a bunch of good reviews I picked it up. It started out fine, the Russian missions were great. After that, the game went downhill. The British and American missions were so filled with glitches and bugs that I couldn't finish the game. My landmines would fall through the ground, Id get stuck in place and couldn't move, invisible obstacles would block my bullets, and many other snags. I couldn't get past the US mission where I have to protect a group of tanks because the Germans would glitch inside of walls and start shooting rockets out of them, or a tank would just stop moving and wouldn't fire back, or (and this is my favorite) a tank would wipe out my entire squad leaving just me to fend off the entire German army. It' as if they only tried on the Russian section, then on the other rest they decided fuck it and just slapped it together. Someone should have been fired for that shit.
5 - Battle Engine: AQUILA
I first heard of this game through a review I read in one of my friend's video game magazines. The review said it was a great game and was revolutionary and all that hype. I completely forgot about it until I saw it for 20 bucks at Gamestop around a year later, and since I enjoy giant robots, I grabbed it. This game was made during a cram session, and every idea was just tossed into the game. First off, the colors in this game are limited. On the good guy side, everything is blue. I mean EVERYTHING. If it weren't for the skin and hair I wouldn't be able to see what was happening. The controls are awkward at best, and involve you transforming from robot to flying squid thingy that is a pain in the ass to control. You can only stay in flight for a short amount of time before you have to land, and on one mission where you have to defend a carrier group, you have to land on a moving carrier while in first person view. It's a real bitch. Add in that the plot is full of holes so big that you could walk a Metal Gear through. Honestly, the main character becomes the pilot of the Aquila because he supposedly races some equipment and gets the job because he's being spied on by his superiors. That's it. You never see the race or any explanation for why he's being watched, he's just given the position the pilot and that's it. Also everyone has squinty eyes like they're looking at the sun, and the chick the main character is interested in looks like a dude.
4 - Gunmetal
This game is an exact clone of Battle Engine Aquila, and once again only reason I bought it was because it had a big robot on the cover. The only difference between the games is there are no cut scenes showing individual characters and it was in 3rd person. Running around in robot form made you slow and vulnerable, while flying made it impossible to hit anything and steering was a big problem as the controls were just totally fucked up. Any complaint I gave in the Battle Engine Aquila section can be applied here except for the plot problems since this one had a barebones this side is against that side plot.
3 - Ghost Recon 2
Now, I'm a fan of the original Ghost Recon, it was one of the best games I've ever played (even though it didn't make my top 25). However, Ghost Recon 2 was just plain fucked. The missions are long and just never seem to end. Once you complete one objective they tack another on and then when that's done it gets added on to again. Another problem is that visibility is terrible; you can barely see where everyone is outside of the first level. Add in to the fact that enemies come in huge groups at random times and from random areas and you have one big problem. Friendly AI is just plain [REDACTED]ed. They will run towards your grenades, run straight through your fire, and will just stand around while they get shot at. And in some missions if they die you fail, which means you have to keep trying until you can finally figure out a way to win that will never work again the next time you play. The enemy soldiers pop out of everywhere: behind things, in front of things next to things, and inside things. Also, they love throwing grenades which are invisible so you have to run somewhere and hope it's out of the blast range. And the grenadiers are everywhere; you don't even get a heads up when they throw it. You just sit there shooting someone else and then suddenly there's an explosion and you have to start over. Since this happens about a million times in each level after a while you just stop caring.
2 - Supercar Street Challenge
I first got this game for PC, and it wouldn't install. What I thought was just my computer being [REDACTED]ed was really it trying to protect me. So a few months later I saw it sitting in Best Buy for 20 bucks so I grabbed it. Big. Fucking. Mistake. First off, the computer is capable of perfect 90 degree turns, while you can barely pull off a 10 degree. Two, brakes don't matter. If you slow down to turn it won't matter you'll still turn the exact same as if you're going 100 even if you're at 15. I remember one race where there was a 70 degree turn that the computer was making perfectly, yet I always ended up going straight and hitting the wall ahead. And when you hit walls, you don't bounce. You just stop moving and sit there forever until you manage to reverse out of it (you reverse at about 1 mile an hour). The game brags about being able to create your own super car, but this is a real let down. The exterior design is limited to headlights, front half, and rear half. There are only 4 front and 4 rear designs, and about 6 headlights. And once you make your incredibly boring car, you can race it. And do shitty, because the car you make is 10 times inferior to the regular cars. If I had my way, games like this would be punishable by death.
1 - Devil May Cry 2
This is it. The game I hate the most out of any other game. And its Devil May Cry 2. Why is this the game I hate with a fiery passion that drowns out all others with a blinding light? Because it was one of the biggest let downs ever. The game is filled with random meaningless tasks, [REDACTED]edly easy boss fights, awkward levels, and just plain shittiness. Dante goes from cool looking badass to douche bag in an overcoat. Alastor is gone, and is replaced with some crappy ass swords that really don't compare to Alastor, or even Ifrit. Your guns at least haven't changed, that's always a plus. But now, you have amulets you equip to do things, from run to swim. It's a real pain to have to stop, change amulets, and then continue playing every time an obstacle appears. Add in the fact some parts of the game look like a blatant rip off from Shinobi, (mutant helicopters and tanks) and that the other character you can be sucks ass, and you have a good combination for suckiness. Boss fights are incredibly boring, and many you can destroy easily by just standing back and using your guns. I was really disappointed with this game. I wanted to take a shank and stab the people at Capcom numerous times for this pile of dog diarrhea.
That's right. The Smurfs. Why, oh why, would anyone play a game based off The Smurfs? Because the Snorks don't have a game you silly. It takes a man to play The Smurfs, a big strong man who is bursting with fertility and testosterone and isn't worried about what other people think. Yep, that's not me. But on to why the Smurfs suck. First off, it sucks because it's a licensed game based off a shitty cartoon show. I was 4 when I watched it, and even then I thought it was [REDACTED]ed and I didn't even know what the word meant. This game sucks because it is near impossible. I couldn't get past the first few levels, so don't ask me about the story I can't smurfing tell you. From what I can tell, you start out in the Smurf Village and have to get to the other side for something. And it's amazing those little bastards managed to survive each episode, especially considering how hazardous their village is. Falling nuts, mud puddles, Smurfs throwing buckets of smurf out their smurfing windows, all of these are enough to kick your Smurfs ass. These provide you with many reasons to shout things like "WHAT THE FUCK" and "WHAT THE SMURF" and "WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS" and "Fuck this where did Halo go?" The main problem is that this game takes too many repetitions and game overs just to memorize one level. Even save states aren't any help. You have to memorize each house that has a smurf that throws shit at you, then which part of the level has falling nuts, and where the puddles are and when to jump. Jumping puddles is fucking ridiculous. If you are one pixel off from the 2 pixel area, you aren't going to make it. Instead, your Smurf is going to land in the puddle, slip and fall on his ass shattering his spine, while his soggy feet get gangrene which spreads to the rest of his body rapidly because of his weakened immune system leading to his death surrounded by Smurf shit. I don't know anyone who has beaten this game, shit; I don't know anyone who has even played it. 
This game came out around the same time as the movie, but had nothing to do with it. Nothing besides basic plot based off of the books is shared. While not all the actors in the movie were of the best quality ( :cough: Boromir :cough: ), the voice actors used in the game are far worse. Their emotion isn't always correct for the situation, and sometimes they don't even have any. Anytime a character talks they do the same pose: they talk and then they make a gesture with their left hand. Every. Time. They. Talk. You get speech, hand gesture, speech, switch to next person, speech, gesture, speech, rinse, lather, repeat. It's fucking annoying; every character that talks does that, and is just one example of lazy programmers. The entire game can be summed up with one word: TEDIOUS. You just wander around collecting stuff until you get a cut scene that does all the work for you. The entire game is just you wandering around looking for some random item that is somehow supposed to help in your journey. They also don't enjoy making it easy to figure out where you're going, you get lost very frequently throughout the game. The Barrow Downs are the worst, its one big canyon area where you get attacked by ghosts that you can't kill and you have to go from down to down looking for the right one, and the place is huge and you just wander around everywhere. As Aragorn they have you wandering around a village looking for fucking watermelons. That's right, watermelons, because apparently the secret to defeating Sauron lies in a fruit. You spend the game either collecting or looking for a switch, or in the beginning you have to pretend your Solid Snake and sneak past the Ringwraiths, which was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easy. You throw rocks at them and they wander off, and then just wander around until you're clear. All in all, the game takes 6 hours. And to think I paid 40 bucks for it too, but will I get a refund? NOPE. So I traded it in and got some other game that's at least fun and last longer than a few hours.
What I like to call a ghetto version of Mario Party, Fusion Frenzy features an almost entirely black cast (save one white 8 year old kid) who go and play boring mini games. My friends loved this game, and anytime I was over at his house he'd always pretend we were going to play halo then would start up the demo that was on the disc and remind me why I hate humanity. This game is bad enough for me not to want to play Halo just because I run the risk of playing this. The mini games you play are nowhere near fun, they're just boring repetitive with annoying announcer voice man shouting random shit that's nowhere near useful, and is down-right [REDACTED]ed. The AI in the game is sporadic, and randomly switches between borderline [REDACTED]ed and Deep Blue every other game. Winning provide no satisfaction, you just feel extremely bored and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. 
Spelunker is an old NES game where you go spelunking as a spelunker in a mine shaft for spelunkers. While I do love the title, I hate the game. Your spelunker dies for the most random reasons. I have yet to figure out what the pattern is, since I die if I walk down a ramp, walk up a ramp, jump, climb a ladder, climb down a ladder, and walk forwards/backwards/etc. The fact that I made it anywhere in that game is amazing, I honestly don't know how I did it. There really isn't much of a story to it, mainly because it's a shitty game and doesn't deserve a story. The damn Smurf had a longer lifespan than this little fucker.
I am a fan of FPS and WWII so when a game combines them both together I have to play it. Medal of Honor is one of my favorite series despite the last 2 disappointments they've given me, so when I saw Call of Duty: Finest Hour and after hearing a bunch of good reviews I picked it up. It started out fine, the Russian missions were great. After that, the game went downhill. The British and American missions were so filled with glitches and bugs that I couldn't finish the game. My landmines would fall through the ground, Id get stuck in place and couldn't move, invisible obstacles would block my bullets, and many other snags. I couldn't get past the US mission where I have to protect a group of tanks because the Germans would glitch inside of walls and start shooting rockets out of them, or a tank would just stop moving and wouldn't fire back, or (and this is my favorite) a tank would wipe out my entire squad leaving just me to fend off the entire German army. It' as if they only tried on the Russian section, then on the other rest they decided fuck it and just slapped it together. Someone should have been fired for that shit.
I first heard of this game through a review I read in one of my friend's video game magazines. The review said it was a great game and was revolutionary and all that hype. I completely forgot about it until I saw it for 20 bucks at Gamestop around a year later, and since I enjoy giant robots, I grabbed it. This game was made during a cram session, and every idea was just tossed into the game. First off, the colors in this game are limited. On the good guy side, everything is blue. I mean EVERYTHING. If it weren't for the skin and hair I wouldn't be able to see what was happening. The controls are awkward at best, and involve you transforming from robot to flying squid thingy that is a pain in the ass to control. You can only stay in flight for a short amount of time before you have to land, and on one mission where you have to defend a carrier group, you have to land on a moving carrier while in first person view. It's a real bitch. Add in that the plot is full of holes so big that you could walk a Metal Gear through. Honestly, the main character becomes the pilot of the Aquila because he supposedly races some equipment and gets the job because he's being spied on by his superiors. That's it. You never see the race or any explanation for why he's being watched, he's just given the position the pilot and that's it. Also everyone has squinty eyes like they're looking at the sun, and the chick the main character is interested in looks like a dude.
This game is an exact clone of Battle Engine Aquila, and once again only reason I bought it was because it had a big robot on the cover. The only difference between the games is there are no cut scenes showing individual characters and it was in 3rd person. Running around in robot form made you slow and vulnerable, while flying made it impossible to hit anything and steering was a big problem as the controls were just totally fucked up. Any complaint I gave in the Battle Engine Aquila section can be applied here except for the plot problems since this one had a barebones this side is against that side plot.
Now, I'm a fan of the original Ghost Recon, it was one of the best games I've ever played (even though it didn't make my top 25). However, Ghost Recon 2 was just plain fucked. The missions are long and just never seem to end. Once you complete one objective they tack another on and then when that's done it gets added on to again. Another problem is that visibility is terrible; you can barely see where everyone is outside of the first level. Add in to the fact that enemies come in huge groups at random times and from random areas and you have one big problem. Friendly AI is just plain [REDACTED]ed. They will run towards your grenades, run straight through your fire, and will just stand around while they get shot at. And in some missions if they die you fail, which means you have to keep trying until you can finally figure out a way to win that will never work again the next time you play. The enemy soldiers pop out of everywhere: behind things, in front of things next to things, and inside things. Also, they love throwing grenades which are invisible so you have to run somewhere and hope it's out of the blast range. And the grenadiers are everywhere; you don't even get a heads up when they throw it. You just sit there shooting someone else and then suddenly there's an explosion and you have to start over. Since this happens about a million times in each level after a while you just stop caring.
I first got this game for PC, and it wouldn't install. What I thought was just my computer being [REDACTED]ed was really it trying to protect me. So a few months later I saw it sitting in Best Buy for 20 bucks so I grabbed it. Big. Fucking. Mistake. First off, the computer is capable of perfect 90 degree turns, while you can barely pull off a 10 degree. Two, brakes don't matter. If you slow down to turn it won't matter you'll still turn the exact same as if you're going 100 even if you're at 15. I remember one race where there was a 70 degree turn that the computer was making perfectly, yet I always ended up going straight and hitting the wall ahead. And when you hit walls, you don't bounce. You just stop moving and sit there forever until you manage to reverse out of it (you reverse at about 1 mile an hour). The game brags about being able to create your own super car, but this is a real let down. The exterior design is limited to headlights, front half, and rear half. There are only 4 front and 4 rear designs, and about 6 headlights. And once you make your incredibly boring car, you can race it. And do shitty, because the car you make is 10 times inferior to the regular cars. If I had my way, games like this would be punishable by death.
This is it. The game I hate the most out of any other game. And its Devil May Cry 2. Why is this the game I hate with a fiery passion that drowns out all others with a blinding light? Because it was one of the biggest let downs ever. The game is filled with random meaningless tasks, [REDACTED]edly easy boss fights, awkward levels, and just plain shittiness. Dante goes from cool looking badass to douche bag in an overcoat. Alastor is gone, and is replaced with some crappy ass swords that really don't compare to Alastor, or even Ifrit. Your guns at least haven't changed, that's always a plus. But now, you have amulets you equip to do things, from run to swim. It's a real pain to have to stop, change amulets, and then continue playing every time an obstacle appears. Add in the fact some parts of the game look like a blatant rip off from Shinobi, (mutant helicopters and tanks) and that the other character you can be sucks ass, and you have a good combination for suckiness. Boss fights are incredibly boring, and many you can destroy easily by just standing back and using your guns. I was really disappointed with this game. I wanted to take a shank and stab the people at Capcom numerous times for this pile of dog diarrhea.