10 Villains I'd Go Gay For
by Fat Kakashi

You asked for it and here it is! The following are the top ten videogame/anime villains I would go gay for. Now to some the phrase "go gay for" is confusing, allow me to clarify.

Whenever a noun does something cool or memorable or even awesome, I usually recount said event to my group of friends with the phrase "I'm so gay for..." It can really be anything. For example today is Wednesday, and I am so gay for Pizza Hut's 50 cent chicken wings. In essence it's just my way of saying something is really, really cool. That and well, just read and see there is no other way to put it.


NUMBER 10: Sephiroth! (Final Fantasy 7)



I'm pretty gay for good old SEPIROTH (pronounced like the hook in One-Winged Angel). Let's face it, he's a pretty well-known and iconic video game villain, not to mention the fact i could just lose myself in those mako eyes. Even though pretty much anyone with a pulse is familiar with good old Septhy's past, I'll give some background.

Sephiroth was once upon a time a bad ass solider in an elite organization known as SOLDIER (clever, I know), until one day he gets a mission back to his hometown with the game's protagonist Cloud. After doing whatever boring SOLDIER work they had to do, Sephiroth starts poking around the obligatory "no one goes in there" mansion and finds out his boss has been making super soldiers by splicing them with cells from a dead chick named Jenovah. Jenovah is pretty much the ultimate hippie. She was an Ancient (old magical people). Once upon a time she tried to take over the world to save the squirrels or some other tree hugging reason. After finding out he's pretty much Mewtwo, Sephiroth pretty much loses it and decides to pick up where mumsey left off.

Now that I've covered some history, onward to what he does that makes my nipples hard. When we first meet Sephiroth, we're following a trail of dead bodies, how hardcore is that!? Imagine meeting Bowser by walking through a ruined mushroom kingdom to find him covered in mushroom blood? When FF7 hit the market, cutscenes were just starting to appear in games, and be honest, who doesn't get a semi watching him walk through the fire after he torches his hometown? Or how about when he becomes the first digital villain I saw MURDER SOMEONE! Cry for Aerith all you want it was sexy as hell, not to mention I'm sure him impaling a chick with a huge weapon was a double entendre. And lastly his goals weren't completely unidentifiable, In his own demented way, Sephiroth was saving the planet. Granted genocide and being a little nuts help the whole evil image. In closing, I doubt any list regarding villains cannot mention Sexiroth.

Oh, and he totally had to be killed by a clone of himself. He's hard as 3 times 9 and now so am I.


NUMBER 9: PEGASUS J CRAWFORD (Yugioh)



Or maximillion Pegasus for those of us that watched it dubbed.

Pegasus is flamboyant and metro enough to make me question my sexuality enough as it is, but his achievements in villainy should not be forgotten. And I bet his hair is like silk.

Pegasus didn't always used to be such a bad guy. Once upon a time, he was married to a smoking hot woman named Cecelia (she can't love him like I can). One day she woke up dead and like any other well-adjusted widower, Pegasus became obsessed with trying to bring her back to life. His travels eventually brought him to Egypt where he was chosen to wield the power of the millennium eye. After gaining a new power, and in my opinion a sexy golden eye, Pegasus invents the card game duel monsters; which is pretty much the focus of the show. His millennium eye gives him the power to read peoples' minds and he uses this power to fuck with people and steal their souls (and damn does he look good doing it). His master plan is to get all the millennium items and enough souls to bring his wifey back, which is why he gets into it with the shows protagonist Yugi, who holds a millennium item. Using souls as ransom he ends up "shadow dueling" the main characters, which brings to me my favorite thing about Pegasus. HE USES CARTOONS!

Most evil villains have some great shadow beast or blood ritual, but not my man Pegasus. He uses Bugs Bunny-inspired rabbits and mermaids to steal peoples' souls. Even the blue eyes white dragon gets a super-deformed cartoon make over when he duels the anti-hero Kaiba.

After a sweet undefeated streak, Pegasus eventually loses to Yugi and releases all the souls he's captured, and then gets killed by some other asshole. An awesome villain none the less, RIP you sweet angel.


NUMBER 8: Naraku (InuYasha)



Love it or hate it, InuYasha was an anime/manga that went on FOREVER! To keep such an epic tale going you gotta have a sweet villain; enter Naraku. He was once a bandit that fell in love with InuYasha's main squeeze Kikiyo. He was kind of a cripple at the time though, so he sold his soul to some demons and became the sexy hunk of demon beef he is today.

After his "extreme makeover" into a demon, Naraku wastes no time being a prick. He tricks the then in love InuYasha and Kikiyo into killing each other so he can get his hands on the Shikon Jewel. InuYahsa's reasons for hating Naraku are obvious, but I cannot recall a villain who went out his way to give the entire hero's party reasons to hate him.

He put a black hole in Miroku's hand that has a good chance of killing the aforementioned monk, he made Sango's little brother kill his whole clan and family, AND THEN resurrected him and used him as an agent! That coupled with the fact i think he's a cuddler is the tip of my gay iceberg for Naraku.

Surely such a busy villain needs minions to do his grunt work right? Naraku's support staff is just reincarnations of himself! SO, even when he's not actually involved, it's still technically him fucking with the protagonists the whole time. I could go on and on, but InuYasha tends to be a repetitive show and Naraku steals some artifact or reinvents his body or resurrects a troupe of mercenaries so much i can't go into too much terrible detail. It does warrant mentioning that Naraku rips out his own fucking heart so he can kill Kikiyo though. Pretty convenient way to shake the whole "deep emotional" angle that topples some of the better villains.


Number 7: Ghaleon (Lunar: Silver Star Story)



Lunar: Silver Star Story is an RPG that holds a special place in my heart. it also has quite the hard core fan following.

More importantly the villain Ghaleon, wait not Ghaleon, MAGIC EMPEROR GHALEON, is fucking awesome! Before I give the background and supporting reasons for my affection, let me give some instant homo admiration.

Ghaleon satisfies both a pale skinned and elf fetish, PLUS he's a musician!

Moving right along with the format I got running here, Ghaleon was one of the legendary four heroes that saved the goddess Althena and saved the world of Lunar. After rescuing the goddess from the mean old vile tribe, Ghaleon's best friend, Dragonmaster Dyne, gives his life so that the goddess can live a normal and safe life as an incognito human without worry of persecution from any of the nasties they'd worked so hard to defeat.

Ghaleon is pissed. Why should his friend die so this bitch can be human, and what kind of selfish bitch would have her champion die so she can live? These are the motivations that lead Ghaleon down the road of arch villainy.

Now right off the bat, I think most of us know how it feels to believe that a system is corrupt and wanting to change it, but only Ghaleon's fine ass manned up and turned on his two remaining former allies. He then kills all of the legendary beasts (dragons in this case) that were left to help protect the world and makes a badass mobile fortress out of them! Accessorizing is an Achilles' heel mine.

After doing all this and delivering some dynamite evil speeches along the way, Ghaleon succeeds in warping the goddess to his will and believes that even after he dies he's the winner. He later redeems himself when 1000 years later a more generic villain resurrects him in hopes of mooching off his sexy evilness, but is still one hell of a villain.


Number 6: Thantanos (Secret of mana)

This purple-haired bastard is the reason why this list became public knowledge.

Now, one of my gripes with Secret of mana was that it kind of lacked in the story department, so Thantanos doesn't have a whole hell off a lot of background. Let's instead focus on why I want to kiss my monitor every time he has a monologue at the end of those damn broken music box dungeons.

Firstly, the scope of his evil is kind of awesome. The first time we meet this purple-haired hunk of man beef he's started to drain the life out of an entire kingdom! And to add insult to injury he makes one of the party's Fiance his boy toy! The last part deserves a little explaining,

Thantanos is as old as the Mana Goddess herself allegedly, and part of the way he survives is by stealing life force, and literally peoples' bodies. When he finally does jump into Dyluck's body and take it for a test drive, he becomes an entirely different being. whether this is his true power finally being revealed or not I like to think that the body Thanny has when we first meet him is on his last leg and that's why when he takes over Dyluck he's got his mojo back.

Secondly after every appearance he makes no effort to tell you you've done jack shit. It's always a "cool, I was done here anyway" kind of encounter. So with his body jumping goodness, sweet theme music, and the way he just fucks with the girl's emotions in Secret, Thantanos could definitely buy me an appletini sometime.


Number 5: Sosuke Aizen (Bleach)



Good old Captain Aizen of Bleach's Soul Society. Simply put, I'd spread this guy on a cracker and there are so many reasons why.

Kind of like our man Naraku, Aizen is pretty much the only villain Bleach ever needed. When we first meet Aizen, we don't even know he's a bad guy. In fact, one of the first things we see him do is die. Turns out, Aizen was having enough of just being a lowly God of Death and he began experimenting with ways to blur the line between Shinigami (good ghost) and Hollows (bad ghosts).

Most of Aizen's badassitude can be equated to his ability to cheat, that is to say his zanpaktou, most zanpaktous are various forms of weapons and cool visual effects. Aizen's "perfect hypnosis," after being seen only once, can make anyone see anything anytime he wants, so it's cheating. Aside from his dynamite haircut and cheating prowess, he also invents a race of people known as Arancar. Again, I could go on and on but for the sake of our bromance, and not everyone being into Bleach, just inventing a race is pretty damn sexy.

Aizen's reign actually only just came to end. After the main character gives up all his powers to hit Aizen with an attack, they are finally able to seal Aizen, which is pretty sexy as well. I mean he cripples Ichigo and then they're just able to catch him, not defeat him. Don't worry Aize-pu, FatK's going to go prison break for you finely sculpted ass.


Number 4: Albert Wesker (Resident Evil)



I wear my sun glasses at night so I can deify life and death, and just go out of my way to be a well-dressed bastard. Such is the sexy hunk of man beef we have the pleasure of calling Albert Wesker.

Wesker starts off in first Resident Evil as some sort of commanding officer for the S.T.A.R.S Bravo Team blah blah. He gets killed by the Tyrant and comes back as one of the baddest mother fuckers around. Utilizing some virus, Wesker gained sweet Keanu Reeve's kung Fu powers and super human dickhead attitude that usually seems to accompany that sort of thing. Wesker uses his super mojo to boost Umbrella's research past just zombies and becomes the face of the big bad evil corporation we're supposed to hate. All of this coupled with just how difficult a boss fight and a satisfying victory move my main man Wesker to the number 4 spot on my list.

Now if only he'd call....


Number 3: Pain (Naruto)



I've dubbed our man Pain here "the one man gang bang". It makes more sense when you know that a guy named Nagato is actually manipulating six corpses, each with its own ability when he fights.

Let that sink in: HE FIGHTS AS SIX DUDES AT ONCE!! He even controls the balance of life and death, even though giving life kills him. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Pain/Nagato was an orphan from an early age, he had two friends that he formed a tight bond with and the grew up together in a cobbled together kind of family. What starts as a plucky good-natured attempt to save the world, all changes when one of Nagato's closest friends Yahiko is killed. That is when Nagato became Pain, even using the body of his fallen friend as the main body or "realm" of his six-man team. Pain no longer has the childish notion that the world can be saved, or that people are good. All he knows is pain. And it's through pain that these people can actually change.

Pain's ultimate evil plan is very similar to the Treize Kushrinada (Gundam Wing and an honorable mention) in that he seeks to make such a bloody and painful conflict that mankind will simply lose the stomach to fight. I'm a sucker for villainish intent you can relate to. Even Naruto the main character could have easily gone the way Pain did if he didn't have the support of his loved ones.

Oh, and there's one other thing: HE KILLS EVERYONE! Pain single-handedly takes out the entire Leaf village and kills some of the most crucial and well-liked characters in Naruto. An act the can only be undone by sacrificing his own life. Almost a Darth Vader-like redemption, but man what and awesome bad guy.


Number 2: Orochimaru (Naruto)



I know I kind of doubled up on my Naruto villains here, but come on IT'S OROCHIMARU!

Very much the Michael Jackson of the Naruto, with his super white skin, dreamy eyes, and attraction to little boys, Orochimaru is just a snake themed dream boat.

When Orochimaru was a young boy both of his parents were killed, and it is from this tragic event he becomes obsessed with life and death. As he matures he's recognized as a genius and he vows to learn every Jutsu (ninja technique) in the world, which also drives his death fetish, because how can someone who's all powerful rule when he's dead? After not being selected to be the fourth ruler of the village (Hokage) over Naruto's father, Orochimaru says fuck it, and just starts his own village.

Along with countless experiments, I could go on about all day Orochimaru pretty much does whatever he wants. He prefects a body transfer Jutsu similar to our boy Thantanos, kills his sensei, and even goes tail to tail with Naruto's internal demon, the nine-tailed fox. This coupled with his bizarre fighting style, which involves a lot of snakes, which when I close my eyes and imagine they become...... Anyway makes our boy Orochimaru dear and near to my heart. It seems that he's finally met his end sadly, having been sealed inside an enchanted sword, I still prays he makes a come back.


Number 1: Jade (Breath of Fire)



WHO? Is probably what most of you are thinking, well when I was a young FatK, Breath of Fire was, and still is, one of my favorite games.

We first meet Jade in the opening cut scene of the game, which consists of him burning down a rival dragon clan's village and having a hardcore battle with a badass light dragon mage named Serah, who also happens to be our protagonist Ryu's sister. After taking a direct hit from one of Serah's fire spells, Jade in all his 16-bit glory, gives the badass "is that all?" speech and takes poor old Serah away, later turning her against her brother.

Now these things are pretty Villain 101. The sexiest thing about Jade is that he was the first example I'd ever seen of the "second in command quietly sets up and seizes power from the more powerful main badguy". The first end boss we crusade against is the emperor of the dark dragon empire Zog.

After secretly helping the heroes out several times throughout the game, Jade eventually delivers the secret to beating Zog to the good guys. So once Ryu and company celebrate defeating Zog, Jade shows up and thanks the good guys for taking out his boss, since he was in Jade's way of resurrecting a goddess to be his bitch. This blew my 11 year old mind! You mean that Zog wasn't cause, Jade was.... MOMMY!

Although the kind of villainy Jade displayed has become a tired and old routine, you never forget your first *sigh* plus even though he's a sprite damn that man is sexy mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


SO there you have it ladies and gentlemen, ten men of various worlds and various motivations that make my pants fit a little tighter in the front. I hope you enjoyed this insight in to the inner-workings of my mind, as well as my questionable heterosexuality.






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