Hey there little boys and girls! And the rest of you that make up the majority of Polly's readership.
It's your good friend and mine, The Hutch, here with another crazy review for Polly! It's been a while since I've submitted anything to Polly; I think it was probably about a year ago. I'm shocked that her website is still being updated with some semblance of frequency more than anything..
Ah, the Genesis. I have such great memories of it, moreso than my NES. It just had that somethin' special about it. Plus, it didn't have Ninja Gaiden II, which I'm pretty sure is the ultimate cause of my inferiority complex.
Now, I hadn't thought a whole lot about Sega for the longest time, let alone the company's 16-bit toaster incarnate, until Polly announced her Gay Theme Week. (Actual work-in-progress codename!) Looking back to those fond years of sitting on the ground playing for hours at a time, I realized something quite jarring.
The Sega Genesis was really gay.
I don't mean it in your hipster's jippin' slang way, I mean it was actually gay. Like, penises in the bum gay.
Now, let me explain my revelation to those of you who have become so full of Hutch-rage that you had no more room in your bowels for poop.
I mean, right off the bat, the European name is about as gay as it gets. "Mega Drive" and park it in the pooper.
But not only that, the library of games is what really sells it.
First, Altered Beast. You have a mostly naked, oiled up body-builder who becomes less unnaked the more muscular he becomes running around turning into a bear. The premise alone is flamboyantly gay, but what's worse is the colour of the protagonist's loin cloth.
If I may be permitted to steal someone's youtube video to demonstrate how gay this game is:
He kicks like a gay person!
Next, Golden Axe. This game gets some bonus points for having a female character equally nude as the male characters, but I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian. Hell, just look at the game cover:
Battle Toads. Buff toads runnin' around, struttin' their stuff and pelvic thrusting. I didn't even know toads COULD be gay.
While being one of the most influential games in terms of graphic violence, Mortal Kombat is not safe. Honestly, just think about it yourself.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Why? Because I couldn't think of anything else. Hell, everyone thought Tails was a girl anyway.
This is not the least of it, either. The innuendo has peppered itself all across the console's long, under-appreciated life. I swear to you this thing had to have been one of the initial phases in the gay agenda. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose all of gaming is an outlet for homosexuality, but it's not Gay Theme Week here at Socks Make People Sexy.
If I may leave you with one last revelation; I saved one game for the very end of my editorial:
I got some more gay! I got some more gay!
I ALSO SAID ZERO WING WAS OFF LIMITS YOU TARDMO!
You may be familiar with a little series of games on the Genny called Streets of Rage. Those games have a TON of gay! Hell, they've even got their own GAY MODEL! Here, have a lookie:
Good ol' Axel. Though it's not really JUST Axel. Hell, all the men can't keep their hands off each other in this game, always grabbin' and touchin' on one another.
Hell, if that's not enough, then I present to you, my TRUMP CARD:
I think I've made my point here. But just in case I haven't...
EVERYBODY ONTO THE GAY PILE!