Ninja Cop vs Ninja Clown
by Polly



Now, normally, I wouldn't think that this is one to even be pondered. I would think, that through some kind of magical ninja luck, that it would be really simple.

In all honesty, it is, but since I'm smoking crack today it seemed like a good idea to me. The fact that I now realize how bad of an idea it is does not deter me in the least. In fact, it only incites me further.

THE GAMES

Ninja Cop


First up, we have Ninja Cop. Admittedly when I first checked this game out the first thing that drew me to it was the title. SO SIMPLE, HOW CAN IT NOT WORK!!! I thought we'd moved past games titled things like "Golf," "Tennis," and "Kung-Fu," but who gives a shit. I'm a Ninja Cop.

I thought this name really lacked any kind of thought or originality, and showed me just how lazy Konami had become over the years. Then I got wind of the US version's name and was immediately thrown into hysterics.

Click here because this honestly deserves its own link.

Once I got over the humor I found in the game's title, what I found was a not so bad Shinobi-esque platformer. This game isn't bad at all, nay. It's actually pretty decent. The graphics are a bit dull in some areas, but all the animation is pretty fluid. The sound and music both range from okay to "Please God make it stop." The gameplay is the winner, though. It kept me hooked until I finished the game and there's more stuff to unlock upon completing it so it's got a bit of replay going for it.

All in all, not too shabby.

Ninja Clowns


When I first saw the name of this game, I believe the next words out of my mouth were, "What the fuck?" I saw it here while browsing through their big fat ass videogame listings.

By a vote of 99 braincells to 1, it was decided that I must find more info on this game! So I poked around a bit on the net and saw this description at mame.dk:
"Circus clowns take to the streets and beat up lots of lawyers, maintenance workers, and other assorted professionals!"

And after reading a premise like that, I was fucking sold.

Ninja Clowns is along the same vein as the Double Dragon games. You walk around knocking the crap out of people and things, only this one is more annoying about it. Even though it's a 1991 arcade game, the graphics are dull and very choppy, the music is enough to drive a wooden man insane, and well, the game's just not very much fun at all really. Our buddy Ninja Clown does have a decent arsenal of moves and they're pretty easy to pull off, but by the time I figured that out, the game had almost put me to sleep.

THE PREMISE


Pitting these two games together based on gameplay, graphics, and fun wouldn't be fair, but it would also be boring techno-babble that I, and most likely you don't care about. No siree, so what we're going to do is pit Ninja Cop vs Ninja Clown to determine the title of "Best Ninja." Wow, that doesn't even sound exciting, not in the least. But I'm in too far now and there's no turning back.

So without further adieu, gentlemen and other 2 website visitors, I (proudly? ._.) present to you, the battle of NINJA COP vs. NINJA CLOWN!!!

THE COMPETITORS


Ninja Cop

First up, we have Ninja Cop. He looks so psyched and totally ready for action. He fights crime in a ninja outfit...because he's a ninja..cop... I should have planned this out a bit more.


Ninja Clown

Here we have Ninja Clown. He beats up bearded ladies, lawyers, bowlers, and *gasp* COPS! This is NOT a clown to be fucked with.

ROUND 1: THE LOOK


Everybody and their grandmother knows that to be a super-cool badass ninja you gotta have the "look." What good is kicking someone's ass if you don't look cool as hell doing it?


Ninja Cop's rainbow of flavors

First up, Ninja Cop. I'm not sure how intimidating a ninja is going to be wearing a pretty baby blue uniform. Doesn't seem very ninjaly to me at all. Ninja Cop's outfit is quite unique though. It changes colors the more powerful he gets, but the outfit's 2nd version doesn't get much better. He evolves into PRETTY PINK NINJA OF DOOM! I think that there may be a tactic behind this though. If you're a criminal, and you see a guy dressed in pink ninja attire coming at you, your first reaction might be just like mine. You'd die laughing, only to be disembowed seconds later. So, perhaps that's what he had in mind. And lastly, he finally gets it right. He's pimping out the black ninja suit of bad-assery. Not too bad of a show from Mr. Cop.


Ninja Clown's Ninja Clown outfit

Ninja Clown steps it up with his variant on the Ninja look, the "Please don't take me seriously, I'm dressed like a fucking clown" look. He's got most of the colors wrong just like Ninja Cop, but unfortunately he can't fail twice and get it right the 3rd try. Nope, he's stuck in his clown attire, which leaves him at a bit of a disadvantage. While this outfit may have the same "make the criminal die laughing" tactic in mind, my guess is Ninja Clown would be dead about three seconds later, because everybody fucking hates clowns.

The Judgement:
This round's going to have to go to Ninja Cop for the chameleon-like ability to change his colors and actually pull off a somewhat ninja-like look in the end.

The Score:
Ninja Cop: 1
Ninja Clown: 0

ROUND 2: THE POWER-UPS


Don't fool yourself. You're not cool, unless you have some bad-ass way to power up or revitalize yourself when your back's against the wall.


Ninja Cop's Colorful Powerups


Here we have Ninja Cop's powerup items. The heart restores his health gauge whenever he's taken some damage (and if he's been to Ninja school at any point in his life, he shouldn't be taking damage in the first place, unless he failed. Then again...blue outfit...) The lightning bolt on the right helps him power up to differently colored/powered outfits, and fills up his special crazy ninja move gauge (more on that later). Simple, yes, but they're somewhat lacking in ninja bad-assery. Because...


Ninja Clown busts out the bombshell. FUCKING PIZZA! Pizza is the motherfuckin money, yo and is the greatest power-up of all. Even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got that right. Ninja Clown may have failed at most everything else in Ninja school, but this is the one thing he got right. And it did him well.

The Judgement:
No doubt about it, motherfucking pizza. Ninja Clown pulls one out of his pants here.

The Score:
Ninja Cop: 1
Ninja Clown: 1

ROUND 3: THE MOTIVATION


What good is being a ninja if you don't have anything to do or a reason for doing it? Gotta do something with them ninja skills!

A reason for Ninja Cop to do what he does, really just came naturally. According to Ninja Five-0's (US Release of Ninja Cop) manual, Joe Osugi was a ninja with bad ass skills but wanted to do something with them. I can understand that. So one day, out of the blue he joined the police force. ... That's it. No tragic past, or anything, just bam. His missions involve rescuing hostages, and killing the other bad ninjas that conveniently live in town

Ninja Clown on the other hand...

Well Ninja Clown is apparently a well known ninja in his home town of Centerville. So much in fact that he has his own comic, even though it happens to only be one page long.


The man has his own freakin callsign and spotlight for crying out loud. He's gotta stop the evil TWISTO (I'm trembling...) from turning the rest of Centerville's population into ZOMBIE CLONES AUGLHGLHGLHGLHGLHGLHGLHH. So, whatever.

The Judgement:
Granted, it's not the greatest concept in the world, but having your own comic and town spotlight means that Ninja Clown is probably getting some every night, which I think is a pretty damn good drive to do anything. Ninja Clown comes away with 2 straight victories. Wow!

The Score
Ninja Cop: 1
Ninja Clown: 2

ROUND 4: THE ARSENAL

This is what it's all about right here. You look good, you got a killer following, so what else is left? You need an arsenal that can rip asses out through mouths. That's what this round is all about, weapons, weapons, weapons. And coffee... but not really.


Ninja Cop's VERY Ninjaly arsenal


Ninja Cop puts up one hell of a showing here. He's got a sword, some ninja stars, a 3-way fireball, and an even more colorful Street Fighter-type fireball capable of knocking out most enemies in one blow. Couple all this with a cool grappling hook that he can use to swing from ledge to ledge and he's damn near ready to just open up a can of ninja-flavored whoop-ass on just about anyone. And if that's not enough for you, He's got more! Some bad ass ninja magic that obliterates everyone on the screen. This guy may not have came dressed like it, but he's here to do some serious hurt.


Ninja Clown's "Arsenal"

And here we have an excellent showing from Ninja Clown. The ol Seltzer bottle, and boxing glove tricks are there, as is the ol Tomato to the Face gag. If this were a "Who's the biggest dipshit" contest, Ninja Clown would be winning hands down. But this arsenal, I'm afraid, can not stand up to Ninja Cop's onslaught of bad-assery.

The Judgement: Ninja Cop didn't even have to think about losing this one. He had the point before the contest even started.

The Score:
Ninja Cop: 2
Ninja Clown: 2

FINAL ROUND: TOUGHEST CHALLENGE


This is it, folks. The final round. Where a winner shall be crowned and I can finally stop typing for the day.

You're only as good as the opposition you're against. That's the theme for this final round. Just which of these two warriors has it worse? Who must overcome the worst odds to remain alive?


The mofos in Ninja Cop's way


Ninja Cop's foes are well dressed, head-shaved businessmen that like to carry knives and shoot guns. You'll see a lot of these guys throughout the game. Their only difference is that they have different colored suits. Appears that Ninja Cop isn't the only ninja in town that doesn't dress much like a ninja. He runs into other ninjas who wear BRIGHT FUCKING YELLOW ninja outfits. Can no one in Ninja Cop's fucking city get it right? Then we have the big guy on the right. Where the fuck did he come from? That just fucks up the whole thing. Businessman, Businessman, Businessman, Businessman, CRAZY FUCKHEAD WITH A SPEAR. If anything it gets points for shock value.


Holy Jesus...


Holy fuck is all I can say. Just get a gander at what this guy gets to deal with. I mean right off the bat, BAM, a COP!!! That alone tells me that Ninja Clown could fucking own Ninja Cop. Moving on to the Elvis impersonator WITH AN ACORDIAN! After having to dispatch enemies such as that I wonder if Ninja Clown can even hear anymore. And finally...I mean Good fucking lord...The bearded lady. I'm sorry but any man who can slay that beast, fucking deserves the point.

The Judgement:
Ninja Cop has it rough, no doubt, but when I saw what Ninja Clown had to deal with, there's just no contest. Ninja Clown gets the point.


Final Score
Ninja Cop: 2
Ninja Clown: 3


NINJA CLOWN IS THE BEST NINJA AS OF JUNE 17, 2003


I'm A Fuckfaceassforcock




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