Now, normally, I wouldn't think that this is one to even be pondered. I would think, that
through some kind of magical ninja luck, that it would be really simple.
In all honesty, it is, but since I'm smoking crack today it seemed like a good idea to
me. The fact that I now realize how bad of an idea it is does not deter me in the least.
In fact, it only incites me further.
First up, we have Ninja Cop. Admittedly when I first checked this game out the first
thing that drew me to it was the title. SO SIMPLE, HOW CAN IT NOT WORK!!! I thought
we'd moved past games titled things like "Golf," "Tennis," and "Kung-Fu," but who gives a
shit. I'm a Ninja Cop.
I thought this name really lacked any kind of thought or originality, and showed me
just how lazy Konami had become over the years. Then I got wind of the US version's name
and was immediately thrown into hysterics.
Click here because this honestly deserves
its own link
Once I got over the humor I found in the game's title, what I found was a not so bad
Shinobi-esque platformer. This game isn't bad at all, nay. It's actually pretty
decent. The graphics are a bit dull in some areas, but all the animation is pretty
fluid. The sound and music both range from okay to "Please God make it stop." The
gameplay is the winner, though. It kept me hooked until I finished the game and there's
more stuff to unlock upon completing it so it's got a bit of replay going for it.
All in all, not too shabby.
When I first saw the name of this game, I believe the next words out of my mouth were,
"What the fuck?" I saw it
while browsing through their big fat ass videogame listings.
By a vote of 99 braincells to 1, it was decided that I must find more info on this game!
So I poked around a bit on the net and saw this description at mame.dk:
"Circus clowns take to the streets and beat up lots of lawyers, maintenance
workers, and other assorted professionals!"
And after reading a premise like that, I was fucking sold.
Ninja Clowns is along the same vein as the Double Dragon games. You walk around knocking
the crap out of people and things, only this one is more annoying about it. Even though
it's a 1991 arcade game, the graphics are dull and very choppy, the music is enough to
drive a wooden man insane, and well, the game's just not very much fun at all really.
Our buddy Ninja Clown does have a decent arsenal of moves and they're pretty easy to pull
off, but by the time I figured that out, the game had almost put me to sleep.
Pitting these two games together based on gameplay, graphics, and fun wouldn't be fair,
but it would also be boring techno-babble that I, and most likely you don't care about.
No siree, so what we're going to do is pit Ninja Cop vs Ninja Clown to determine the
title of "Best Ninja." Wow, that doesn't even sound exciting, not in the least.
But I'm in too far now and there's no turning back.
So without further adieu, gentlemen and other 2 website visitors, I (proudly? ._.) present
to you, the battle of NINJA COP vs. NINJA CLOWN!!!
First up, we have Ninja Cop. He looks so psyched and totally ready for action. He
fights crime in a ninja outfit...because he's a ninja..cop... I should have planned this
out a bit more.
Here we have Ninja Clown. He beats up bearded ladies, lawyers, bowlers, and *gasp* COPS!
This is NOT a clown to be fucked with.
ROUND 1: THE LOOK
Everybody and their grandmother knows that to be a super-cool badass ninja you gotta have
the "look." What good is kicking someone's ass if you don't look cool as hell doing it?
Ninja Cop's rainbow of flavors
First up, Ninja Cop. I'm not sure how intimidating a ninja is going to be wearing a
pretty baby blue uniform. Doesn't seem very ninjaly to me at all. Ninja Cop's outfit is
quite unique though. It changes colors the more powerful he gets, but the outfit's 2nd
version doesn't get much better. He evolves into PRETTY PINK NINJA OF DOOM! I think that
there may be a tactic behind this though. If you're a criminal, and you see a guy dressed
in pink ninja attire coming at you, your first reaction might be just like mine. You'd
die laughing, only to be disembowed seconds later. So, perhaps that's what he had in
mind. And lastly, he finally gets it right. He's pimping out the black ninja suit of
bad-assery. Not too bad of a show from Mr. Cop.
Ninja Clown's Ninja Clown outfit
Ninja Clown steps it up with his variant on the Ninja look, the "Please don't take me
seriously, I'm dressed like a fucking clown" look. He's got most of the colors wrong
just like Ninja Cop, but unfortunately he can't fail twice and get it right the 3rd try.
Nope, he's stuck in his clown attire, which leaves him at a bit of a disadvantage. While
this outfit may have the same "make the criminal die laughing" tactic in mind, my guess
is Ninja Clown would be dead about three seconds later, because everybody fucking hates
This round's going to have to go to Ninja Cop for the chameleon-like ability to change
his colors and actually pull off a somewhat ninja-like look in the end.
Ninja Cop: 1
Ninja Clown: 0
ROUND 2: THE POWER-UPS
Don't fool yourself. You're not cool, unless you have some bad-ass way to power up or
revitalize yourself when your back's against the wall.
Ninja Cop's Colorful Powerups
Here we have Ninja Cop's powerup items. The heart restores his health gauge whenever he's
taken some damage (and if he's been to Ninja school at any point in his life, he shouldn't
be taking damage in the first place, unless he failed. Then again...blue outfit...)
The lightning bolt on the right helps him power up to differently colored/powered outfits,
and fills up his special crazy ninja move gauge (more on that later). Simple, yes, but
they're somewhat lacking in ninja bad-assery. Because...
Ninja Clown busts out the bombshell. FUCKING PIZZA! Pizza is the motherfuckin money, yo
and is the greatest power-up of all. Even the Teenage Mutant Ninja
that right. Ninja Clown may have failed at most everything else in Ninja school, but this
is the one thing he got right. And it did him well.
No doubt about it, motherfucking pizza. Ninja Clown pulls one out of his pants here.
Ninja Cop: 1
Ninja Clown: 1
ROUND 3: THE MOTIVATION
What good is being a ninja if you don't have anything to do or a reason for doing it?
Gotta do something with them ninja skills!
A reason for Ninja Cop to do what he does, really just came naturally. According to
Ninja Five-0's (US Release of Ninja Cop) manual, Joe Osugi was a ninja with bad ass
skills but wanted to do something with them. I can understand that. So one day, out of
the blue he joined the police force. ... That's it. No tragic past, or anything, just
bam. His missions involve rescuing hostages, and killing the other bad
ninjas that conveniently live in town
Ninja Clown on the other hand...
Well Ninja Clown is apparently a well known ninja in his home town of Centerville. So
much in fact that he has his own comic
even though it happens to only be
The man has his own freakin callsign and spotlight for crying out loud. He's gotta stop
the evil TWISTO (I'm trembling...) from turning the rest of Centerville's population into
ZOMBIE CLONES AUGLHGLHGLHGLHGLHGLHGLHH. So, whatever.
Granted, it's not the greatest concept in the world, but having your own comic and
town spotlight means that Ninja Clown is probably getting some every night, which I
think is a pretty damn good drive to do anything. Ninja Clown comes away with
2 straight victories. Wow!
Ninja Cop: 1
Ninja Clown: 2
ROUND 4: THE ARSENAL
This is what it's all about right here. You look good, you got a killer following, so
what else is left? You need an arsenal that can rip asses out through mouths. That's
what this round is all about, weapons, weapons, weapons. And coffee... but not
Ninja Cop's VERY Ninjaly arsenal
Ninja Cop puts up one hell of a showing here. He's got a sword, some ninja stars, a
3-way fireball, and an even more colorful Street Fighter-type fireball capable of
knocking out most enemies in one blow. Couple all this with a cool grappling hook that
he can use to swing from ledge to ledge and he's damn near ready to just open up a can of
ninja-flavored whoop-ass on just about anyone. And if that's not enough for you,
He's got more
! Some bad ass ninja magic that
obliterates everyone on the screen. This guy may not have came dressed like it, but he's
here to do some serious hurt.
And here we have an excellent showing from Ninja Clown. The ol Seltzer bottle, and
boxing glove tricks are there, as is the ol Tomato to the Face gag. If this were a
"Who's the biggest dipshit" contest, Ninja Clown would be winning hands down. But this
arsenal, I'm afraid, can not stand up to Ninja Cop's onslaught of bad-assery.
Ninja Cop didn't even have to think about losing this one. He had the point before the
contest even started.
Ninja Cop: 2
Ninja Clown: 2
FINAL ROUND: TOUGHEST CHALLENGE
This is it, folks. The final round. Where a winner shall be crowned and I can finally
stop typing for the day.
You're only as good as the opposition you're against. That's the theme for this final
round. Just which of these two warriors has it worse? Who must overcome the worst odds
to remain alive?
The mofos in Ninja Cop's way
Ninja Cop's foes are well dressed, head-shaved businessmen that like to carry knives and
shoot guns. You'll see a lot of these guys throughout the game. Their only difference
is that they have different colored suits. Appears that Ninja Cop isn't the only ninja
in town that doesn't dress much like a ninja. He runs into other ninjas who wear
BRIGHT FUCKING YELLOW
ninja outfits. Can no one in Ninja
Cop's fucking city get it right? Then we have the big guy on the right.
Where the fuck did he come from? That just fucks up the whole thing. Businessman,
Businessman, Businessman, Businessman, CRAZY FUCKHEAD WITH A SPEAR. If anything it gets
points for shock value.
Holy fuck is all I can say. Just get a gander at what this guy gets to deal with. I mean
right off the bat, BAM, a COP!!! That alone tells me that Ninja Clown could fucking own
Ninja Cop. Moving on to the Elvis impersonator WITH AN ACORDIAN! After having to dispatch
enemies such as that I wonder if Ninja Clown can even hear anymore. And finally...I mean
Good fucking lord...The bearded lady. I'm sorry but any man who can slay that beast,
fucking deserves the point.
Ninja Cop has it rough, no doubt, but when I saw what Ninja Clown had to deal with, there's
just no contest. Ninja Clown gets the point.
Ninja Cop: 2
Ninja Clown: 3