Transformers
by Fallout



Everyone loves transformers! And so for that reason and because NES games are so retardedly amusing I got the rom (In Japanese). I have no idea what the story is or any of that because 1. Its a rom, theres no booklet/box to give a summary 2. Its in Moonspeak 3. Theres no intro movie. It just takes you straight to the first level after you press start. And thats where the pain comes in. This game REALLY sucks. Its 8bits of PAIN. Playing it probably gives you cancer, AIDs, Diabetes, Herpes, and mild anorexia. But then again you could use that last part you fat bastard. Fatty. Anywho, its a prime (olo) example of why licensed games usually don't turn out any good. I cringe at games based off of movies/tv. Its as if they're cursed to forever suck.

The sound? Its basic. You get what Im assuming is the Japanese Transformers theme at the credits and at the start of each level/life you get the "robots in disguise" tune from the American series which Im going to assume was in the Japanese series too. Everythings a beep basically. And robots beep so it fits. Still, the bg music gets really fucking annoying since its about 3 seconds long and constantly looping. I had to shut my speakers off it was so damn bad.

Graphics: Theyre simple. I think they spent more detail on 1 part of the background than anything else. Also, the Decepticons' shots are hard to see agains the background so you can be running along and then BOOM youre dead. Your robot explodes into a really crappy blue/red/white dustball. The animation itself is crappy and looks like they took the cheapest way out. I really expect better than the crap this thing has.

The gameplay is shit. Total shit. The level starts and Ultra Fagnus (Im gonna assume thats who it is based on color and because Optimus isnt a big pussy who dies in one shot. To me hes a pussy and died like a bitch in The Movie so he isnt Magnus, hes Fagnus. Bear with me here people the fanboy is angry.) just drops down on a planet and is immediately attacked by jet decepticons, who when shot drop down to the earth and turn into robot mode and run at you. When they do this theyre below your shots, so either pray to god that you can jump without landing on the fucker behind him's laser shots or the fucker himself or be glad for save states. But the thing is, One shot and you're dead. Also, its hard as hell to hit the decepticons. I did some BS jump and dodge thing and made it halfway through the first level without dying, so MAYBE youre supposed to do the non violent pussy method and run around screaming like a little girl. I dont know I dont speak moonspeak. Your enemies from what I can tell are mainly the Jet guys with a tank and space pod thrown in as well. And a wasp. Waspinator was NOT a decepticon, and hes too awesome to be affiliated with this technological abortion. I think I saw a diamond too. But the game is pretty much a platformer with some shooting. Now there are a lot of enemies but trying to shoot them is harder than trying to dodge them. This game is shitty. And not even shitty awesome like Antarctic Adventure. No, this is shitty as in "we just took a dump in a plastic square and sold it as a game". Fuck you Ultra Fagnus, you AND your pussy armor. This is why the matrix chose that douche bag Hot Rod and not you.


Overall:
It doesnt get any socks. Instead, it gets 3 kicks to the balls of whoever made it.






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