Ed's Top 10 Worst Games of All-Time
by Ed




10. Starfox Command (Nintendo DS)

The year was 2006, and Nintendo's Starfox franchise was in trouble. Lackluster opinions of both Dinosaur Planet and Starfox Assault was creating waning interest in anybody not into Fox/Krystal, or (heaven forbid) Fox/Falco or even (more heaven forbid) Fox/Wolf pornography. Something had to be done to save the series.

At E3 2006, a new Starfox game for the DS was announced. This game, they promised, was to return the game to its space-shooter roots. Many fans eagerly awaited this return, hoping to never deal with on-foot missions or pointless item searches that created 15-second celebrations for every goddamn item discovery.

Then we actually got the game, and realized that once again, we had been had.

The real problem here is that there shouldn't have been a damn thing wrong with this game, but Nintendo decided they wanted to cater to the lunatic fringe of the fanbase, namely all the fanfiction writers. In an effort to justify those psychos they decided to turn Fox into the world's biggest jerk and Krystal into the world's biggest bitch and/or slut. Half of the endings in the game either involve Krystal ditching Fox or vice-versa, not to mention the whole start of the game involves the two breaking up because of Fox not wanting anyhting bad to happen to her and thus dismissing her from the team. But you know, that's apparently "wrong". Krystal joining up with Star Wolf and banging a Panther though, yeah nothing wrong with that. I wish I could roll my eyes but typing it wouldn't do it justice.

Anyways what else is apparently wrong is the control style. Why the hell anyone thought doing a barrel roll or any other maneuver with your stylus would be a good idea is beyond me. The game, like the others, is all style yet no substance and I couldn't even find a reason to go multiplayer in an attempt to save my interest in the game. If they want to save Starfox, they really need to throw out all the storylines from Assault onward and start again, with a pure space shooter that doesn't require us to tap on a screen just to spin around.


9. WWF Attitude (Nintendo 64)

Ah Acclaim, you silly bitches. Flush from the success of Mortal Kombat you decided what we really needed in our wrestling games was button combos. Unfortunately the fact that nobody wants to memorize a complicated movelist just to do a suplex means that this game inevitably would suck ass. Didn't help that the bizzare wrestler graphics meant everyone sorta looked like a mongoloid (and god help you if you actually tried to MAKE someone) it was also almost physically impossible to win a match even on easy at times.

The roster also really isn't that good either, I mean yes you get a lot of wrestlers for the time, but most of them were (at the time) semi-obscure midcarders, and hell, you didn't even get the two guys who did all the motion-capture work, Matt and Jeff Hardy. But you did get the unfortunately deceased Owen Hart. In later years, brains would prevail in making sure recently deceased wrestlers would not show up in games.

This game could've been good and had some good ideas, decent commentary and a ring-creation mode for instance, but nothing else really seems to click at all, especially with those horrendous crowd voices and completely clunky fighting engine

Fortunately after this travesty of a game the WWF managed to get THQ and AKI to make their games, and the rest was history...at least until the horrible Smackdown vs. Raw series started up.


8. Renegade (NES)

One button has you punch left, the other has you punch right. Unfortunately that's remarkably complicated, and that's the least of your worries in Renegade. For one your character's reach flat-out sucks, and you can easily get tripped up by a guy armed with a pipe, or worse, soccer moms armed with purses. I'm not making that up, that's the third level, getting attacked by soccer moms, well either they're that or Jackie O impersonators.

I don't really know what else one can say about this game, it's just all around either bad or unremarkable, and i'll admit i'm just taking up some space on my list cause I had trouble thinking up more than 9 really bad games. This one goes on here because not only is it unbeatable, it doesn't present me with a reason to try and prove that it could be beat.


7. Tag Team Wrestling (NES)

Winner is Strong Bads. Loser is You.

This game is really represntative of what happens when you really don't give a shit. I'm pretty sure there's only one move the Ricky Fighters know, and that's irish whipping their opponent into the ropes, then getting their ass kicked. And another thing, Ricky Fighters? Is that two guys named Ricky who fight, or two guys who fight guys named Ricky? Guess the latter would explain why Strong Bads can kick their asses so much, neither of them are named Ricky!

Seriously this game is pretty much the most broken P.O.S. wrestling game ever to come out on any console ever, and there's really no reason for it. It doesn't generate much fun and were it not for the origin of Strong Bad's name, I never would've bothered to know this game exists. I sorta wish I wasn't so curious, because every so often I try to fire up this game and win a match. So far no luck at all, and to be fair I don't think I should bother trying to get that kind of luck, at least not to win a crappy video game.


6. Diddy Kong Racing (N64)

As some may be realizing or eventually will realize, a lot of the games on this list I seem to be going after due to an agenda. And that's true. Most of it is because some of these games had no reason to do or be something (up to and including existence). In the case of DKR, while in theory a good game, is unecessarily complicated...like an M. Night Shyamalan script proposal. It's also unecessarily difficult, like getting my tax refund this year.

Rare decided to take the concept of Mario Kart 64 and add hovercraft and planes to it. Ok, that seems cool. They added the idea of multi-tiered items. Also cool.

Then they added the adventure mode, and things took a turn. At first it seems just like a circuit mode with a map screen, but it is oh so much more than that. They decided for you to get anywhere you'd need certain numbers of gold balloons, much like Super Mario 64. Like Super Mario 64 they also wanted you to have to backtrack at times. However unlike Super Mario 64, they wanted to make it really fucking impossible.

Get this: After beating all the races of one location you then raced against a boss, namely a giant animal of some sort. Then you had to race all the courses again, only this time in addition to winning the race you'd have to grab 8 coins scattered about the track. Effectively this means you're now in charge of about 5 things at once, and now it's become much like your license test, fearful, confusing, and difficult.

Speaking of difficult, by the time you reach the 4th area the boss race alone will tax your patience to the point you're itching to throw your controller at the screen, because you cannot phyiscally catch up to that dragon the first time, much less the second time after you've somehow beaten all the tracks again. That's right, you race the bosses twice. And hey, after you've done all that, you STILL have one more area which I have never even seen, that's how hard this game was.

Later they made a remake for the DS, which decided to try and use the touchpad for way too much. Bad Rare, leaving Nintendo was the worst idea for you, you haven't made anything good since then.


5. Double Dragon V: The Shadow Falls (Genesis)

I don't know how much crack Tradewest had to smoke to think that making a fighting game based on the abysmal Double Dragon animated series was a good idea, but I guess they smoked enough. Note I said this is a FIGHTING game, and not a street brawler like all the other Double Dragon games, not that that would've saved this anyway. Choose from Billy, Jimmy, and like 10 other characters who were created pretty much for the purposes of the show, and attempt to win a fight. I say attempt because your opponent's attacks seem to do five times as much as your own, plus they seem to just anticipate what you do. Also there's the serious problem of the character designs. It looks like you're playing with roided-up action figures.

There's also a quest mode, which is basically the normal mode only with a linear path and some semblance of a plot, not that it matters, you'll probably be too busy cursing out the computer for being cheaper than Street Fighter and punching yourself at the face at such hilarious names like "Trigger Happy"

Oh and then there's the sound. I never knew swords made twanging noises, or bodies, or everything for that matter. Seriously this is like the worst example of what not to do with the Genesis's somewhat meager soundchip.


4. Time Killers (Genesis)

Another Genesis fighting game with blood, who woulda thunk it? Of course this one is far more graphic than Double Dragon V, because it was desperately trying to ride the Mortal Kombat wave of the 90s. The premise is simple, various stereotypes from different periods of time fight each other for some reason, usually with much loss of limb. Yes that's right, you could hack off limbs in mid fight. Pretty cool? you bet. But did it make it a good game? No. The game is just way too standard apart from the limb-ripping action to be of much note. Once again suffering in both the sound and graphics department, with only the blood being anything noteworthy.

Oh, and once again, cheap computer players that seemed to have intrinsic knowledge of how to turn you into the Black Knight from Monty Python in about two hits.

In a world of Mortal Kombat Klones, many of them, like Time Killers, just make you ask: "why"? In all honesty making this game was a waste of somebody's time and effort, just like...


3. Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero (PS1)

Exhibit A why the Mortal Kombat franchise needed to stay as a fighting game, Mythologies attempts to make some sort of adventure/brawler game starring everybody's favorite Lin Kuei (NOT A NINJA), Sub-Zero. The plot, if there was one, goes as such. Quan Chi (evil sorcerer) wants an amulet to revive an evil Elder God (Shinnok). But he needs a patsy to do it, and therefore he decides he'll get two. Sub-Zero (the elder one, not the one with the weird facepaint/scar thing) and Scorpion (who is a Ninja, and not Lin-Kuei). Pretty standard stuff, and yes, Scorpion gets offed fairly early into the story, and thus explains why these two hate each other so much.

But that's really all tertiary to all the other crap we have to deal with the rest of the story, which involves fighting elemental gods and Raiden at some point, and setting up all this complicated shit that explains stuff in future iterations of Mortal Kombat but it feels a hell of a lot like backpedaling.

Controls aren't too great either, having the same thing as one of the Guilty Gear games in that you actually have to press a button to turn around. Seriously, can't just use directionals, oh no, we gotta have a button marked "turn your blue-garbed ass around, dumbass"

In theory, this game could've been worse (it could've been MK: Special Forces) but in the end result it seems almost just unecessary and more pure luck that all the story information in it became more useful when they decided to create a story for this series, which may have also been really unecessary to go this deep.


2. Armored Core 4 (XBox 360)



After Armored Core 2 it seemed that the entire franchise was on a constant perilous plunge, finally hitting rock bottom with Armored Core 4. The first problem was evident when you try to look up at the white/gray clouded sky and realize you cant read your HUD anymore because it's white and you can't change the color. the problem continues as the game lumps about 20 new ideas onto you. Forcefields (primal armor), extra weapons, God knows how many new accessories that are supposed to keep your ass alive but obviously don't, and worst of all, a horrifying difficulty scale that ratchets up to 11 by the third mission tier but then suddenly falls back down to 2 in the next one. Of course, that's allegedly, because I never beat the third tier.

Another big hit against the series is the lack of scale. Basically due to tiny levels you don't get the feel that you're in a giant robot anymore, which sort of defeats the purpose of feeling like you're in a giant robot.

All in all even with XBox Live capabilities I just again couldn't get any enjoyment out of a game trying to beat me over the head with difficulty while at the same time not making it fun in the least. It actually made me develop a fondness for Chromehounds, a game that some may say is more complicated, but hey at least I'm having fun with that.

And there's really no reason for that. The Armored Core games have been around for almost a decade, yet they seem to get worse with each installment? That's some bad juju right there.


1. SmackDown vs. Raw 2008 Featuring ECW (Xbox 360)



Where to begin about this? Well first I must explain that once again, this is a game that is here because it has no right to have been as bad as it was. Then again this is THQ we're talking about, who as far as making wrestling games nowadays are concerned, are only interested in making a game and not so much something good.

First they neutered create-a-wrestler again, removing more moves and more components. Then they neutered the regular roster, ironically with the fighting styles they created for them. The reason behind that was to stop all the super-powered characters online, that failed miserably since that still goes on, only now with so much wonderful generic fail.

They also decided there was really no need to bother making new lines for the commentators, so they decided to have one guy read another guys lines. What followed was the most phoned-in commentary of all time, and frankly THQ deserved that to happen for phoning in their development process.

Apparently the testing process was also phoned in too, because when you get choices presented to you in the game it turns out that no matter which choice you make it'll only produce one result. "Choose your path" indeed.

In short, there is no reason this game should've even come out the way it did in this day and age and at this level of technology. It's a horrible slap in the face of the people who make good wrestling games (i.e. Fire Pro) and if you ever see THQ Creative Director Corey Ledesma, you should spit in his eye for continuing to shovel crap on the ignorant masses.


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So there you have it, 10 games that I guess in no particular order seriously offended me on some level enough for me to think of them as the worst for some reason.






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