MrBigStick's Top 10 Worst Games of All-Time
by Mr. Big Stick




Dragon Power (NES)

Goku and Nora go looking for the 7 crystal balls, which in turn summon a dragon to grant their wish. This game is based on a Dragonball game for the famicom which was apparently too hot for US audiences and had to be remade. So they give Goku a haircut and a headband and a really stupid expression. Bulma still looks like the same ol' useless except for her inventions and fanservice. Of course, the Bulma in Z is less useless because she provides food and a sexual release for Vegeta and she shat out a couple of Super Saiyan babies.

Goku has a maximum power level of 150 POW. He can probably increase it by eventually making a wish with the crystal balls, and you can restore it by eating meat or fill it right up if you're lucky enough to find a cupcake, which never shows up when you need it. Another food you find is Ham, which lets you shoot off little white Kamehamehas if you hold down A and press B. I don't know what happens when you find all 7 crystal balls, but knowing something about Dragonball, i think it lets you make a wish.

Another thing I know from Dragonball is about Goku's enormous appetite, which causes him to lose 1 POW every second. This gets to be a real pain in the ass later on in the game. I think the furthest I got was to Frying Pan Mountain, and right after the hermit shows up and puts on the fire with a "wind wave" like in the anime and manga, you run into Chichi, who doesn't say antyhing. She just shuffles around, freaking out and shooting off that boomerang hat of hers.

The censorship really gets to be annoying after a while, but what really gets annoying is the music. I really do think this game has only three music tracks. One on the map when you fight a bunch of small fry enemies. It kinda goes like "time for mindless action." Then there's one for the side-scrolling events, such as boss fights or in stage 3 when you lose the Dragon.. er, Crystal Balls and need to get them back. Yamcha... I mean, Lancer, is holding onto one of them and when you get the five Crystal Balls you lose in that stage, he'll be waiting for you at the end for a rematch. This time, he's wearing white clothes and is stronger, but you'll be able to knock out the flor and find an item capsule that holds a white line. This doesn't increase your power level, but instead gives you a stick. The stick is kinda helpful, I guess if you don't already have one by the end of the stage, but he's a tough fucker.

I only got past the desert gang, Lancer stage once in my entire life and that was playing it on an emulator and abusing the hell out of save states. I think I did a trick where I waited in the hole and jump kicked him when he got close, but that may have backfired when he fell into the hole and did that one hit kill punch kick combo he does when he's not jumping around in random patterns.


Where's Waldo? (NES)

Who cares where the fucker is?

I got this game for free by simply helping myself to one of the games at the youth center. It was marked all over with a black marker and whoever set the NES up over there obviously took the good games home already. They had RBI Baseball, Where's Waldo, and Blaster Master. All I could find was RBI Baseball, which was actually pretty fun, and Where's Waldo, a steaming turd.

Who would have thought red and white could be such effective camouflage? The game features very simple, non-moving graphics in the actual finding part. You move a cursor around the screen looking for Waldo. If you see something that kinda looks like him and press A, but are wrong it deducts ten seconds from your total time.

There's a train station (the first stage, so it's fuckeasy, but could get tricky), a forest ([REDACTED]edly hard, but you could get lucky), a cave (stupidly easy once you find the torch), a fairground (pretty obvious despite a lot of red and white things that could distract you), a city (I got lucky in guessing on that one), a subway that is a complex maze of tunnels that you can't cahnge the way you navigate, a castle that has a font that mimics Castlevania, and the only cool thing about this entire game, and finally a launch pad that sends him to the moon.

And what happens when you finish all the stages? You get to see Waldo wearing a space helmet, walking on the moon. Maybe his helmet breaks when he doesn't land on his feet when bouncing around on the moon? Perhaps he got eaten by an alien? Who cares!?

NEXT!


Bubble Bobble Evolution (PSP)



I love the NES version of Bubble Bobble. In fact, I played it co-op with my brother up to level 53 or so just yesterday. That level with those fucking UFOs that are just out of reach and you need to think up a way to get up there and kill them. But the PSP version is absolute crap. They force you to complete these puzzles that make entirely no sense, and you can only damage bosses at certain times so while they're pummelling you, you have to wait until your bubbles turn read to pop them. The objective of this game is to climb a tower of entertainment, by some sadistic magician who says, "You are not my son..." when you inevitably fail and see the Game Over screen. I didn't get up five levels of his fucking tower before giving up.


Whiplash (PS2)

It's got a crack head weasel and a wisecracking rabbit on a chain and it's a 3D platformer.

You're supposed to be escaping from this lab that experiments on animals and it's pretty much your basic Eidos N64 3D platformer, but it's for PS2 and other systems.

The rabbit is funny for all of a very short time before he runs out of wisecracks and starts repeating himself and he says something everytime you swing him and don't hit an enemy or break something, which is also one of your main objectives. Break stuff and make the company that's experimenting on our heroes less profitable. It's somewhat enjoyable for a short time and that's it. Seems like this game was made to be completed over a three-day rental, but I had to go and buy it because it was cheap. Guess it was in the ultra discount bin for some reason.


Def Jam Vendetta (PS2)



You're a wrestler, but you're also a rapper. How the hell does that work out?

I mean, John Cena is able to pull it off, but he's really more of a wresler than a rapper. The Controls in this game are so shit that it's hard to get past the first match. It felt like I was playing WWF Attitude without the create a wrestler mode and a CD of generic rap songs I've never heard before playing in the background to compensate for that.

It sucks and I hate it.


Mario 64 DS (DS)



I bought this when I first picked up my DS Lite, because my DS Fat and a copy of Advance Wars: Dual Strike got stolen from my jacket at the movie theater while I was playing the arcade machines they keep in a dimly lit corner they fefer to as The FUN! Zone. I only played it for a while and got bored with it because of the crappy controls and the fact that you hav eto switch characters to use certain abilities. It'd be neat if you could switch on the fly or you could use all the abilities right off the bat without having to do some [REDACTED]ed event to unlock them. But nooooooooooooooooooo. good thing I bought two other games (Pokemon Diamond and Final Fantasy III) when I bought my DS Lite, otherwise I would have been pissed off with only one game that bores me to twin streams of manly tears.


Beyblade (PS1)

Well, the basic plot is that you're Tyson, from the cheesy anime. You're entering a tournament with your trusty Dragoon spinning top. When you skip the boring talking parts which tells a story about some weirdo trying to take over the world with spinning tops by determining who the best spinning top spinner in the world is, you gotta fill up a gauge to shoot it from the cheap plastic shooter with a cheap plastic ripcord. You can repair your parts by talking to the nerdy kid from the anime, Kenny, or upgrade your parts with points won from the battles in some kind of a store, but the starter Beyblade is stronger than most of the parts in the shop as long as you keep it well maintained.

In later rounds you face off against familiar faces from the anime and get to see the story unfold about some evil corporation trying to take over the world by stealing spinning tops from kids, but I don't really care.

There's a way to "unleash your bit beast" but I couldn't figure out how to do it. I think the "bit beasts" in this game are the same ones in real life, just a sticker on a plastic tab that holds the top together and not at all like the anime where they represent ancient spirits or some dumb shit like that.


Madden '94 (Genesis

Pretty much the same story as Whiplash. Bought it because it was cheap ($4 at EB Games), played it once, hated it, never picked it up again. I coudln't even get past the fucking menu to an actual football game.

I liked Madden 2007 on the DS. Glad I only rented that one, but I'm stuck with Madden '94, and it doesn't even fit in with the rest of my Genny games because of the awkard cartridge shape.

Not only that, but Madden loves to repackage the same game over and over.



Guess which one is from 1994 and which one is from this year.

(Polly hint: Gee, I wonder...)


Duel Masters: Kaijudo Showdown (GBA)

I only played this on a ROM and got past the slick intro and boring plot where your brother, who was apparently a card game champion, gives you his old deck and some email device and tells you to challenge all of his old opponents who he dueled with that deck. They are used to it and prepared every countermeasure to what used to be his deck of cards.

I think it's because I never played the actual Duel Masters card game in real life, I just watched one or two episodes of the show with the kids who wears the purple shirt and has spiky hair (I was and still am more of a Yu-Gi-Oh kinda guy.) Because I didn't know shit about the gameplay, even after the in game tutorial and tl;dr explanation from some sunglasses guy, I lost every damn card game I challenged people to.

But maybe I was playing it kinda dumb. I mean, charging 3 fire mana and summoning a wind monster who had no mana to do attacks, I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about but that sounds like a dumb thing to do.


Fist of the North Star (NES)

I paid 5 bucks for this at the local used game and comic shop, The Batter's Box. Upon loading it up, I thought it was kinda neat. You punch people and their heads explode. You kick then, they go flying off screen.

Ken's punches and kicks make the same kiai kinda sound in the anime, downgrated to 8-bit of course, so instead of UWATATATATATATA it sounds like a high-pitched BAPBAPBAPBAPBAP. You find yourself expecting something like



but wind up wtih



But getting back to the game, you get stars from fallen enemies and you can upgrade yourself. With two stars, you can kick really fast, and three stars you get a shockwave attack that can be used once, but I never figured out how to do. At four stars, you can punch really fast. If you fill the stars, the screen flashes and Ken's shirt explodes like in the anime to represent that he is at full power.

I actually thought this game was pretty fun for a while, but it's repetitive, like most beat 'em ups, but its execution could have been so much better. Like, how the hell was I supposed to know how to go downstairs on the traitor concentration camp stage? Apparently, the later Fist of the North Star games are much better but this one was a good start, but could have been a lot better. I'd say the five bucks was well-spent, but I'd be half-lying.


Arcana (SNES)



A first-person dungeon crawler type RPG where your enemies are represented as cards.

You take on the role of Rooks, a typical silent RPG hero. The plot is nonexistent, and it's just battles and dungeon crawling. The dungeons don't even have treasures in them and all the enemies look the same and it doesn't keep a map so you get lost easily. I'm still stuck on the first dugeon of this game.

Getting that far was NOT fun at all.






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